


Memories

by skeleton



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-12
Updated: 2016-06-19
Packaged: 2018-02-12 21:17:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 42,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2124999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skeleton/pseuds/skeleton
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TRIGGER WARNING - This chapter, and in some other chapters of this story, talks about sexual abuse and mentions r*pe. Reader discretion IS advised.<br/>This story is in no way supposed to be disrespectful, and it is completely fictional.</p></blockquote>





	1. Chapter One.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING - This chapter, and in some other chapters of this story, talks about sexual abuse and mentions r*pe. Reader discretion IS advised.  
> This story is in no way supposed to be disrespectful, and it is completely fictional.

_My body’s weak, it gave up on me. This time I don’t think I’m gonna get out from what I’m underneath. It’s hard to believe another day of rain has come and gone._

The buzz of my alarm startled me awake, and I cursed as the noise seemed to echo through the confinement of my bedroom. My eardrums pounded, and I let out a tired sigh, struggling to free my arms from the cluster of blankets I’d piled onto my bed the previous night in an attempt to form some sort of barricade against the world. My eyes remained closed, and my hand finally shot out from under the sheets in a feeble attempt to put the screeching noise to a halt.

My hand slipped, and I jumped when I heard the alarm clock clatter suddenly to the floor, my face instantly creasing into a cringe at how loud it seemed compared to the silence of the rest of the house. I dropped my head back down onto my pillow, bringing my hand up to my face to grip the top of my nose with my thumb and forefinger. Man, since when were mornings so fucking _loud?_

Linda, my mom, appeared in my doorway, glancing at the electronic device that was now probably broken on my bedroom floor. An amused smile graced her ageing features and she yawned, muttering the words, “good morning, Frankie,” as she made her way to my bed. She sat on the edge, picking up the clock and placing it back onto my bedside table before leaning down to brush some hair from my face. She studied my expression, and then pressed the back of her hand to my forehead, creasing her eyebrows together. Before she could ask, I spoke up.

“I’m fine, mom,” I lied, completely aware of how unconvincing my words were. Yet, she just nodded, not entirely believing me but accepting that at least this time I was willing to talk to her.

After she left the room, I lay there for a few more minutes with the blankets pulled up to my chin, trying to find the will-power to eventually get out of bed. I managed to find some form of motivation when I heard the coffee machine being switched on, and I sat up quickly – too quickly – causing the blood to rush from my head and leaving me in a dazed state. I stumbled out of bed, shivering when the cold hit my bare arms and legs and I suddenly wished that I hadn’t slept in just my boxers.

I made my way to my bathroom, closing my bedroom door as I passed it and entered the small, en-suite type room that my mom and I shared. Once I’d freshened up as much as I could, I ran a hand through my shoulder-length hair and attempted to do _something_ with it, but eventually gave up with a sigh and decided to get dressed. I found a red t-shirt and a pair of faded-blue jeans in a pile of washing on the floor and slumped them on after giving them a quick sniff to make sure they were wearable, and then headed out of the bathroom and into my bedroom, grabbing my bag and cell phone before going downstairs.

I was greeted in the kitchen by a fresh cup of coffee and a plate of slightly over-done toast, but I managed to force a smile nonetheless, making sure that my mom was looking in the opposite direction when I almost choked on the charcoal-flavoured bread. After wiping my hands messily on my jeans, I picked up the cup, savouring the warmth as I held it up to my face and then began sipping it. I glanced up over the cup, my eyebrows rising at the expression my mom was scrutinizing me with.

“You look tired,” she mused, and I rolled my eyes.

“That’s because I am.” I stood, placing the mug on the ancient dining table and picking up my bag to sling over my shoulder. “But I have to get to school,” I sighed, leaning over to kiss her cheek and then turning towards the door.

“Yep,” she hummed quietly. So quiet, that I thought she was talking to herself. “After all, it is the first day back after summer vacation.”

My head craned in every possible angle as I rushed down the crowded streets, eyes carefully scanning for one face in particular. Hundreds of thoughts circulated my head as I searched, ranging from ‘where is that motherfucker?’ to ‘oh shit, I should have called him.’ I decided to walk a little slower as I passed by his house, hoping that he’d not left for school yet, and I’d passed around three houses down when I heard the familiar voice calling after me.

Mikey Way was my best friend as of ten years, and honestly, he deserved that title from all of the shit he’s put up with because of me. He’d been my _only_ friend until I was fourteen, yet he was my first real friend at the age of seven.

“Hey,” he smiled cheerily when he caught up with me, and I took note of the obvious growth spurt that he’d had during the summer. “Man, I didn’t see you _once_ over summer vacation. What happened to you?”

I shrugged, pulling the hood of my jacket over my face and cringing into it, my hands going further into my jeans’ pockets. Eventually, I turned my head to face him, biting my lip. “Nothing happened.”

He nodded, and we proceeded to walk towards school, taking our time. Mikey has never been very talkative, per se, but the unanswered questions that seemed to hang in the air around us was making me uneasy, and I felt the need to say _anything_  to at least fill the silence. The only problem was that I couldn’t seem to think of anything worth talking about.

“Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you something.” I glanced at him, waiting for him to talk again. “Gerard’s coming home!” He grinned, nudging me with his elbow. I had to refrain myself from cringing away from the gesture. “You remember him, right?”

My eyes creased as I wracked my brain for anybody I knew with the name ‘Gerard,’ but I couldn’t seem to recall. I shook my head. “I’m not sure.”

“Sure you do! He has dark hair, it’s kind of long, and brown eyes, too.” I took note of the way Mikey seemed to have expected me to remember this mysterious person, and he sighed, rolling his eyes. “Would it help if I told you he’s my brother?”

My eyes grew wide, my cheeks flushing every shade of pink and I found myself burying my face into the side of my hood. “Oh,” I squeaked, nerves suddenly taking over my brain and clouding my thoughts. Mikey snorted laughter next to me and I found myself smirking, too.

How could I forget about Gerard? Man, he was my biggest crush, and I’m almost positive that everybody suspected this when we were kids. Although he’s four years older than Mikey and I, making him twenty-one now, he was always there for me. I hadn't seen him for seven years. When Mikey and I were ten years old, we'd play out in the Way's back garden. Gerard never exactly joined in, but he would always be in the background somewhere without fail. It was almost as though he was watching over us.

Gerard, unlike other kids his age, rarely left his house. From what I’d heard from Mikey, comic books were his passion, and he’d lock himself away in his bedroom for days at a time once he had an idea in his head. Come to think of it, that was probably the reason that I rarely ever saw him in the first place. No matter how many times I’d asked him to come and join our games, he politely refused, and then Mikey would drag me away. We would have conversations from his bedroom window when I’d play in their garden. Now that Mikey had brought him up, all of these memories came flooding back, and suddenly I felt bad for pushing him to the back of my mind for so long.

Next to me, Mikey cleared his throat, successfully bringing me back to Earth. “Mm, oh; yeah, I remember.”

“Good,” he grinned, and his steps seemed to become increasingly more bouncy. “He’s coming back home.”

I breathed in sharply, almost choking on the air I inhaled and I stumbled over my own feet. “That’s great!” I managed to cough out the words in between gasps. There was still one thing I needed clarifying, though. When Gerard disappeared, it wasn’t until a few weeks after his absence that I’d actually began to get concerned, but the only response I got back then was ‘mommy took him on a plane’ or ‘do you know where Chicago is?’ Now, I found myself asking the same question. “Where did he go?”

“Didn’t I tell you?” Mikey asked, but I shook my head. He shrugged. “Uh, some big art school, the ‘Illinois Institute of Art’ or something.” I stared at him in disbelief, and he nodded understandingly. “Yes, I know. It’s crazy, right? He was only fourteen. Dude, I shit you not, he’s _insanely_ talented. After art school he went to college, but I don’t think it worked out for him. Plus, he missed us all.”

The conversation died down after a while, much to my disappointment. I needed something to talk about. Any distraction would have been appreciated by me; I had a long day ahead of me, and part of me was convinced I wouldn’t make it out of the first day back at school in one piece. As we approached the school gates, I shoved my hands further into my pockets and kept my head down, mumbling a goodbye to Mikey as I made my way into the first building to my first lesson of the day.

Somehow, I didn’t remember the corridors being quite so crowded, and the masses of bodies that mercilessly forced me around made me worryingly nauseous. I silently thanked the school bell as it sounded; notifying everybody to get their asses into lessons, and the corridors became empty. I then shuffled my way to first period.

When break finally came around, my palms were sweating and my heart was pounding painfully in my chest. I was struggling to control my breathing, and when I felt somebody physically move me out of the way in the corridor something inside of me snapped. I started running. I ran out of the school doors and around the school, before falling to a heap against a wall. I took a few deep breaths, letting my head fall backwards as I screwed my eyes shut tightly. I concentrated on the cool autumn air that breezed easily through my hair and I ran a hand through it. I made the decision to skip fourth period and stay there, taking my phone out to text Mikey a brief explanation.

**Hey Mikes, I’m outside block 3, needed some air. Meet me here at lunch – Frank**

When the bell for lunch finally sounded, I opened my eyes to see Mikey standing over me, frowning at my lack of a jacket and the obvious blue tint to my skin as I shivered. I shrugged, patting the floor beside me for Mikey to join me, and he did. “What’s up?” He sighed after a few minutes of silence, and I glanced sideways at him.

“Nothing,” I lied, but the look on his face told me that somehow, he didn’t believe me. I knotted my fingers together, biting down on my lip as I thought. “I- It’s not that simple,” I started, stumbling over my words. “And, you- I- I can’t.”

His eyebrows creased together, his concerns for me growing. “Frank…” Mikey started, shuffling so that he was facing me, his legs crossed underneath him. “You know you can tell me anything, right? You’re my best friend; I’ll always be here for you.” He reached out to squeeze my knee, an attempt at comforting.

I nodded, closing my eyes again. “I know, I know…it’s just, not _easy_ -,” I began, taking a deep breath. “You deserve to know, though,” I concluded. “I- _fuck_ , I can’t, I can’t say it. I’m sorry, Mikes.” My voice began to shake, the urge to cry building up and I attempted to swallow the lump that was forming in the back of my throat. 

"Shh, Frank, it's  _okay_ ," he urged, his arm wrapping comfortingly around my shoulders. "Don't apologise. You don't have to."

I swallowed sharply. I knew that Mikey deserved to know; there wasn't a thing that I'd never told him, but I just couldn't bring myself to say the words. I could tell how confused he was feeling. Even if he had no clue how serious the situation was, it was evident that he could tell it was fucking tearing me apart.

Mikey examined me carefully, reaching into his bag and pulling out a torn piece of paper and a pen. "Listen, I'll understand if you don't tell me, and trust me, I'll respect your decision." He held the items in my direction, and I reached my hand out and took them hesitantly. "But if it's easier, why don't you write it?"

I could feel the sting of tears brim my eyes, and my hand began to shake as I wrote, every letter I produced turning out scribbled. Tears ran freely down my face now, and I let out a pained choke before placing my head in my hands, pulling my knees up to my chest. 

I could feel my heart pounding in my ribcage and sweat began to form on my forehead. I struggled to breathe, and my chest became achingly tight. Mikey reached over to take paper from my shaking hand, and for a few seconds, the silence between us was painfully deafening. Reluctantly, I glanced upwards, struggling to control my eyes when everything around me seemed to be spinning.

And suddenly, those three words that I’d written became a horrifying reality.

_I was raped._


	2. Chapter Two.

         _You said you never wanna be saved. Well, that's okay, because I really wouldn't know how. Just know that the best that I'll ever be is whatever you make me._

Mikey was silent. His eyes watched me as I waited for a reaction. Eventually, after what seemed like hours, he opened his mouth to speak, but no noise came out. My eyes, although they were bloodshot and red, still shed fresh tears that only blurred my vision more and replaced the ones staining my cheeks.

“You were-  _Frank_ , I- who? I mean-  _shit_ -,” Mikey stumbled over his words, his voice coming out strained and weak. I didn’t speak. My breathing was irregular, breaths coming out in gasps. I put my head back into my hands and slowly tried to count to ten. "Who- who did that to you? Frank?” Mikey asked softly, but trying to sound slightly more pulled-together. I jumped and looked up; meeting his watery eyes with my own, and I could feel myself becoming light headed.

I opened my mouth a few times, trying to almost force myself to vocalise the words, but gave up with a sob-filled sigh. I threw my head back against the wall, wiping my face with the backs of my hands and shook my head.

“Hey,  _hey_ , it’s fine, you don't have to say it,” Mikey tried, his arm going around me to stop me hurting my head on the wall, but this time I found myself gripping onto him as though my life depended on it. I buried my face into his shirt and the lump in my throat became bigger, almost choking me. “Do you want to go home?” He offered, shoving the paper into his pocket, and I nodded furiously, reluctantly letting go of him to stand.

Before Mikey had the chance to lead me inside the school building though, I reached out to grab his wrist and whispered a ‘thank you.’ He smiled, barely, and shrugged. “Come on, I'll take you to my house.”

In all honesty, I was thankful that Mikey had taken me back his house. My mom was working that day, and I knew that it wasn't a good idea for me to be alone at that point in time. Donna, Mikey’s mom, had always been like a second mom to me, and there was never a time that she wasn't happy to see me. Their home was just as much my home in their opinion.

When Mikey steered me up the Way’s driveway and through the front door, I didn't hesitate to make my way straight up the staircase and into Mikey’s bedroom at the back of the house, leaving the door open for him to follow suit. I kicked my converse off, not paying any attention to where they landed, and sat, cross-legged on Mikey’s bed. I felt the mattress shift underneath me when he perched himself on the end of the bed. I stared blankly ahead at the wall in front of me while I heard Mikey empty his pockets onto his bedside table.

A few moments of silence passed and I heard Mikey sigh, dropping his hands into his lap as he looked up at me. “Frank…” he breathed softly, his voice almost evasive. “Do I know them? I mean the person who did that to you. Was it somebody I-…?”

I turned my attention to Mikey then, cutting him off with my expression, but I was unsure of what to say. My mind raced for some sort of response, but the only thing I could muster up was a slight nod, and then a frown when his face turned from urgent to disgust and repulse. “Y-yeah,” I managed to croak.

“Shit,” he muttered to himself. “What- who the  _fuck_  is this vile person?” I could see the anger building up inside of him but somehow, unknown to me; he managed to keep it under control.

If I was being honest, a part of me thought that Mikey already knew enough, and I  _really_  didn't want to tell him. Yet, the other part needed to say it. I had to get it off my chest, and no matter how many times I’d repeated it to investigators and doctors and police officers, telling Mikey seemed to have some sort of appeal to me.

I swallowed the lump in my throat, shifting on the bed so that I was facing him only barely, and bowed my head to look at my lap. Eventually, I managed to summon the strength to say the words that I had needed to say for so long. “It was my step-father.”

As if they couldn't get any wider, Mikey’s eyes seemed to bulge, his mouth dropping open. He tried to speak, but nothing but gasps and stutters could form. While only God knows what was going through Mikey’s mind right then, I felt something considerably huge lift from my shoulders, and  _fuck_ , it felt good to have said it. I nodded my head, swallowing once more before jumping and the noise of Mikey’s bedroom door suddenly swinging open and bashing harshly off the wall. Mikey gasped, leaping up off the bed and rushing over to the person in the doorway.

From where I was sitting, all I could see was the back of Mikey’s head as a pair of arms wrapped around him, pulling him in for a hug. I heard Mikey squeal, gasping as the air was squeezed out of him and I heard the faint yell of “hey, g-string!”

The other person laughed, the noise reasonably high and dorky, and a small smile began to form on my lips when he replied with, “fuck, I missed you so much, M-Doug.”

I scrunched my nose up in a grin and shifted on the bed, watching as the two pulled away from each other and Mikey tugged him further into the room by the sleeves of his faded-black denim jacket. “You remember Frank, right Gerard?” Mikey smirked, and I looked up at the older man as a pair of beautiful, deep brown eyes searched mine, and the edges of his lips tugged upwards into a curious smile. He tilted his head as I watched him, mesmerised by the way his raven-black hair fell only slightly over his eyes and framed his face perfectly.

I found myself staring as he spoke, his cheekbones narrow and complimenting his deathly pale face with so much contradiction that I didn't think it was possible. “Yeah,” he smiled, and I quickly regained my thoughts and smiled back at him. “How've you been?”

It took me a few minutes to actually realise that Gerard had asked me a question, and he was in fact waiting for a reply. “I- I’m sorry, what?” I had to ask, because I hadn't heard a word that he said. I felt a blush rise to my cheeks when he chuckled, and it was then that I noticed the smug little expression that Mikey had on his face as he stood opposite me.

A few seconds of confusion passed between Mikey and I, until the silence was interrupted by a very motherly voice calling up the stairs. “Gee-bear, will you come downstairs and let me greet you like a proper mother?!” Donna yelled, sounding extremely defiant considering the way she almost sang Gerard’s nickname. What was with this family and giving Gerard nicknames? He turned, scowling in the direction of downstairs.

“I guess you'd better go see what she wants,” Mikey snorted, nudging his older brother in the side. “She probably wants to smother you and shove about a million different deserts down your throat.”

“As long as I'm getting decent food in my body I couldn't care less where she shoves it,” he chuckled, slipping his jacket off and throwing it over the back of a chair. “Plane food is yuck as fuck!” He quickly began to exit the room, but stopped, hesitating when Donna called back up the stairs.

“Gerard Arthur Way, you better watch your language, young man!” She threatened, and Gerard scratched the back of his head.

“I’m twenty-one, mom,” he objected, although the words came out slightly whine-y. Mikey and I exchanged glances that let me know we both were thinking the same thing.  _That’s debatable…_

“Man, I've missed you guys so much,” Gerard muttered as he disappeared from the doorway and made his way downstairs to face the wrath of Mother Donna Way.

“I guess I better go down, too,” Mikey sighed, running a hand through his slicked-back hair. “Are you coming?”

I shook my head, allowing a small yawn to escape my lips as I lay back on his bed. “Nah, I think I'm gonna get some sleep if that’s okay?” Mikey nodded, smiling at me one last time before he flicked the light out, leaving me alone and closing the door behind him.


	3. Chapter Three.

_I'm having fun pretending I belong, convincing myself that I never got scarred._

I heard the muffled voices of two people as I stirred, and I lazily opened an eye slightly to peer over the duvet. I saw Donna slap Gerard on the arm, agitated, as he stumbled over the rug, smirking as she hissed at him to be quiet.

"I _am,_ mom! I'm perfectly capable of-," I heard Gerard begin to argue before there was an even louder crash of something being knocked off a shelf, and then a yelp as I pulled myself up into a sitting position. I watched in amusement as Gerard seemed to be holding his shin, obviously having hit it off something.

Donna smiled at me apologetically, while Gerard seemed to be more concerned about dodging the hand that Donna had shot out to smack him on the arm again. "See what you did? You've woken Frankie up, now." She pressed her lips together, turning to me. "I'm sorry, honey. I told him to be quiet."

I let out a breath-y laugh, shaking my head. "No, no. It's okay, I was waking up anyway," I yawned as I spoke, and Gerard looked up at me briefly through his eyelashes, smirking.

"Oh," she smiled, and then motioned to the bags and suitcases that littered the floor that somehow I hadn't noticed yet. "Well, Gerard's just putting his things in here until we manage to get his old bedroom cleared out for him."

"Yeah," Gerard snorted, glancing sideways to his mom who had clearly had enough of his sarcasm. "Apparently my bedroom was converted into a storage room while I was gone."

I watched in amusement as the two began to bicker, both of their words lathered with accusation. I raised an eyebrow, placing my hands under my chin as I waited for them to finish.

"Of course we knew you'd be coming home, but we had a lot of things that needed somewhere to go temporarily..." Donna defended herself, smirking sideways at her son as he folded his arms across his chest.

" _Fine_ , fine," he sighed, dropping his arms to his sides dramatically and then crouching down to unzip one of the suitcases.

Donna grinned, happy to have won the argument, and then began to exit the room. She stopped in the doorway, turning back to glance between the two of us with her hand on the door handle. "I'll call you guys down when dinner is done. You're staying for dinner, right, Frank?"

I smiled, shrugging my shoulders as I stretched. "Sure, only if it's okay with you."

She rolled her eyes in a way that said _of course it is_ , and then closed the door as she left the room.

After a moment or two, I turned my attention to what Gerard was doing, watching as he picked up one of his suitcases and placed it on the edge of Mikey's bed. My eyes widened considerably when he unzipped it, flipping it open to reveal what seemed to be endless amounts of art supplies. Everything was there; small canvases, around fifty different sized paint brushes, four different types of paint, three types of dry media and everything else was hidden underneath the only few items of clothing shoved into it. My mouth gaped.

"You like what you see?" Gerard muttered, startling me and I looked up at him from under my lashes to see him smirking to himself. My face seemed to flare, more so when I found myself nodding, my eyes fixated on Gerard. "Well," he sighed suddenly, placing his hands on either side of him and jutting his hip out in a way I'd never seen any other male do before. "Are you gonna give me some help, or stare at my ass some more?"

My eyes grew wide, and I cocked an eyebrow at his accusation. In awe of his ability to be so forward and suggestive, my mouth opened slightly. When I didn't reply, Gerard chuckled quietly and shook his head, glancing at the suitcase for a brief moment before turning his attention to the doorway where Mikey was now standing.

"Stop scaring Frank," Mikey muttered, punching Gerard in the arm in annoyance as he walked past him to sit beside me on the bed. I laughed as Gerard hissed, flipping him off. Mikey turned to face me, his face softening as he mumbled, "How are you feeling?"

I smiled and shrugged, not wanting to talk about it anymore. Before he could press on, I waved a dismissive hand and he closed his mouth, nodding and pressing his lips together.

"Wait," Gerard interrupted, and both Mikey and I glanced towards him as he continued. "What happened?" He glanced between the two of us, his eyebrows raised in confusion.

"Nothing, he just wasn't feeling well. Don't worry about it."

I smiled, glancing between the Way brothers as Gerard nodded his head understandingly, and I was thankful that he didn't push for any more information. I felt myself visibly relaxing, even more so when he decided to change the subject all together.

"Have you got any good films?" Gerard asked his younger brother as he closed the last suitcase and dumped it on the floor, shoving it under Mikey's bed with his foot and dusting off his hands on his jeans. Mikey scrunched his nose up in thought, and then offered up the new Batman movie. Gerard shook his head, waving his hand in the air. "Nah, I think I'm in the mood for a horror or something," he smirked.

Mikey's eyes seemed to light up at the word _horror_ , and I guessed it was some sort of thing that they used to do before Gerard left. "What about Paranormal..."

Gerard cut him off with a glare, and Mikey reached up to scratch the back of his head. "I swear to God, if you say the word 'activity' after that sentence I will stab you in the eye." As if on cue, Mikey's eyes widened in shock and I choked on my own laughter, watching in amusement at the two brothers bickering like an old married couple who stab each other in the eyes.

"Well, what film do _you_ want to watch?" Mikey sighed, already looking done with his brother's shit. When Gerard shrugged, though, Mikey pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger, taking a deep breath. "Were you always this frustrating?" He wondered aloud.

Gerard scoffed, placing his hand on his hip like previously. "Were you always this _mature_?" He dragged the word out, and Mikey rose to his feet, which was then my indication to throw in a suggestion.

"What about Pet Sematary?" I offered almost silently, interrupting Mikey before he could hurl another insult. Gerard's head snapped immediately to face me, his eyes lighting up in excitement and his hand slipping from his hip. I smiled to myself, and then glanced at Mikey who was watching me with a smug expression.

I looked at him expectantly, and Gerard's voice filled the room. "Perfect! We have it, right?" Mikey sighed and nodded, and Gerard turned, bounding out of the room and down the stairs and into the front room. When we didn't follow, we heard Gerard call up the stairs to us, and both Mikey and I rolled our eyes, my lips twitching upwards slightly. "Come on!" He yelled, his voice lathered with enthusiasm, and I fought to suppress my laughter.

"He's still just a little kid, isn't he?" I mused, and Mikey smiled, nodding his head in an almost solemn way. Before I could say anything else, though, Gerard appeared in the bedroom doorway, looking both out of breath and impatient.

" _Come on_ ," he urged again, grabbing us both by the wrists and leading us down the stairs, muttering something about already having popcorn and soda in the front room for snacks.

Mikey and I rushed our way to take a seat on the double seated sofa in front of the television, making ourselves comfortable and rearranging pillows while Gerard pressed play on the DVD player. Instead of sitting on the empty arm chair beside the sofa, however, Gerard decided to fall into the tiny space between Mikey and I, causing Mikey to gasp in shock and my lungs to temporarily fail me. I managed to scramble from my spot on the sofa, watching as Gerard fell when Mikey pushed him sideways and into where I was previously sat. I willed my heart to slow down, unsure and slightly frustrated at my overreaction, but at the same time, I felt like somebody was suffocating me. My eyes blurred over slightly and I struggled to keep my breathing steady, but I forced a smile.

Both Mikey and Gerard watched me with scrutinizing expressions, and I struggled to compose myself as I turned and sat on the small arm chair beside them. I waved a dismissive hand when Mikey opened his mouth to speak. "I'm fine," I assured them, pulling my sleeves over my shaking hands and turning my attention to the television that was now playing the opening scene of the film.

Throughout the entire movie, though, Mikey glanced at me every now and again, and I tried my hardest to ignore his questioning expression. I turned my attention to the table in front of me, watching the soda in my glass and slowly realizing that I had to pee. I stood, walking past the Way brothers who were now watching me as I left the room, but as I stepped foot into the hallway I felt a hand brush mine and somebody take hold of my wrist gently, causing me to stop.

"Hey," Gerard whispered beside me, and I turned to face him reluctantly. "You wanna talk about something?" He offered, but I politely refused, crossing my legs awkwardly when I could feel my bladder urging me to empty it.

"Not now," I whispered back, taking my wrist from his hand and nudging my head towards the staircase. "I need to pee."

He nodded understandingly, the corners of his lips twitching upwards into a smirk when he did so. "Ah, I guess you'd prefer to do that on your own," he mused, before turning to go back to his position on the sofa, leaving me confused and blushing in the doorway. I swallowed, coming to my senses and heading towards the stairs.


	4. Chapter Four.

_I remember a time when I felt so unlike me. I remember a time when someone could love me. I remember when I still felt alive._

The first thing I did after finding my way to the bathroom was take a reluctant look at myself in the small, framed mirror that was hung on the Way's tiled wall above the sink. To my utter shock, I didn't recognize myself at all. It was as though I was staring in the face of a complete stranger.

I scrutinized my appearance. My hair was draped lightly over my face; it was straw-like and greasy. I flicked my head slightly to move the hair, and then I saw that _stupid_ blush was still persistently taking over my cheeks. How did Gerard manage to do that to me by _talking_ to me? Did I blush when I talked to Mikey? When I talked to _anyone_?

I willed the flare of my cheeks to return to my normal, pale complexion, and I studied my face closer. My fatigued eyes were swollen, and the purple flesh underneath screamed _sleep_. I turned the cold tap on, putting the plug in and running my hands under the flowing water. After filling them as much as I could, I leaned over the sink to splash my face and felt the familiar, icy liquid calm me in my nervous state. I let it drip from my face for a few seconds before flicking the water from my hands and reaching for a towel.

A reluctant yawn managed to escape me, tearing at the chapped skin on my lips when I stretched my mouth. I winced in pain, feeling specks of blood begin to break their way forward. Wiping my mouth with the back of my sleeve, I started opening the cupboards above me, searching for chap-stick or anything that would stop my lips from cracking anymore.

I ground my teeth together when a small white tub fell from the shelf of the cupboard in front of me, making a rather loud clattering noise for such a tiny object. I put both of my shaking hands on the edge of the sink to hold my weight as I studied the small, blue and red pills that were half dissolved in the emptying sink.

Quickly, I realized I had been holding my breath as I reached to pick up one of the blue capsules between my fingers, exhaling unsteadily. It had been a while since I'd allowed myself near any form of medication. Slowly, I bent down and picked up the tub that had fallen on the floor, feeling my knees crack under my weight and taking note of how many pills were left in the bottom of it. I counted five reds and three blues.

 _The red ones make me fly, the blue ones help me fall._ The words seemed to echo through my over-crowded mind but I just couldn't decipher exactly what I was thinking until I could taste the bitter, vile texture of one of the pills melting onto my tongue.

I continued to pick up the scattered pills, emptying the last eight remaining ones into the palm of my hand. I stared at them, silent while my breathing became raspy and shaky. When I finally managed to gather my thoughts, I found myself retching over the sink and grimacing at the intensity of the taste that was attacking my taste buds. I spat it out into the sink, simultaneously dropping the pills and cupping my hands under the water once again, washing my mouth out.

My eyes widened as I watched silently, mesmerized by the water as it swirled around the plug and down the drain, and I slowly realized that my eyes were beginning to burn; my heart began to beat at an alarming pace. I glanced up into the mirror in front of me, taking in my gruesome expression, before my stomach seemed to fall out of my butt.

In the reflection of the mirror I saw Gerard behind me, stood in the doorway. Confusion and worry took over his features while a part of me wondered how long he had been there, but all I could focus on were his eyes that were over-powering, intimidating. He shifted his weight from foot to foot, hesitating before taking a step forward.

"I knocked," Gerard began to explain. "You didn't answer when I called your name, and I panicked. I didn't know what could have happened."

"I'm fine," I whispered, my protest weak. He didn't seem to hear me.

I looked quickly towards the floor as he stopped behind me, silently cursing at the rate at which my heart was pounding. Gerard's hand brushed my left shoulder and I managed to exhale another uneven breath. Glancing up through my hair into the mirror, I saw he was looking right at me as he began to speak again. "I don't understand." His words formed so quietly that I wasn't even sure if he wanted me to hear.

"You don't need to," I assured him. His expression became even more confused, and his eyes pleaded me in the reflection of the mirror. "There's nothing to understand."

"You mean you don't _want_ me to understand?" Gerard asked, raising his voice a little above a whisper. "Even if I can't understand, Frank, I know how it feels to keep it all inside. It does nothing but bad stuff to you." Before I could find the words to reply, his own words forced their way into my mind and I remained quiet. "I had to stay quiet for seven years. I had nobody for seven years _._ I wanted to stay inside my dorm room all day, and _hell_ , I didn't even want to come home. I missed everyone; I missed my mom and my brother," Gerard paused, before adding, "Did you miss me, Frank? Because I missed _you._ I didn't know if you remembered me."

His eyes burned into mine from the reflection of the mirror, and I winced, reluctantly looking away. Gerard's words repeated themselves, as though my brain had hit replay and the agonizing truth was evident.

Gerard looked up, a sad smile on his features. Sadness didn't suit him. I turned around, startling him slightly when looked up to face him. I studied his features for a few seconds, taking in his state, before reaching up and wiping a tear from his cheek with my thumb. He exhaled sharply, and I moved forward, pressing my face into his chest and wrapping my arms around him. He pulled me slightly closer, resting his chin on my head.

"I don't want to hurt," I told him honestly, "But I don't know how to stop it." I cursed at myself for crying again, and he pulled me from his chest to speak to me.

"You can tell me anything," he assured me, but I shook my head, breaking eye contact and trying to look anywhere but his face. "Of course, only when you're ready."

"I can't," I told him truthfully. "I'm sorry. I want to, but I just _can't_." I cut myself off, shaking my head as he pulled me closer again. His actions told me everything he couldn't say, and I knew that he was telling me that he would be there for me no matter what. "Thank you," I whispered. He nodded understandingly, stroking a hand through my hair.

My tears had soaked the front of Gerard's shirt, and I apologized profusely for the mess I'd created in the bathroom, yet Gerard insisted that it was okay. "It's only a few meds. Easily cleaned up," he assured me, but I managed to get so worked up about it that I decided it'd be best if I went home. It was almost midnight, and my mom would be worrying.

Mikey was asleep on the sofa downstairs when I left. Gerard saw me to the door and waved me off as I got to the other side of the road, his mom appearing behind him. I waved to Donna too and turned the corner onto my road, where my mom was waiting at the front door for me, worry lathering her aging face.

"Frank Anthony Iero, you had me worried sick!" She scolded me, but pulled me in tightly for a hug before letting me go up to my bedroom. I just wanted to sleep. I was tired - exhausted - even. I collapsed onto my bed and kicked my converse off, pulling the sheets over me and closing my eyes, but it was no use. I couldn't sleep. I fidgeted around for a while, before eventually giving up and standing, pulling my shirt and jeans off and throwing them in the growing laundry pile by my bed.

I walked across the hall way to the bathroom, peeking my head around my mom's door; she was sleeping. The bathroom was freezing, and I shivered as I turned the shower on and pulled my boxers off. I jumped slightly as the freezing water pounded on my back, but I forced myself to endure it. It helped me to untangle my thoughts and to relax, eventually.

What did Gerard mean by _"Did you miss me?"_ I mean, I was ten years old. I'm almost certain that I wasn't even aware that he'd gone anywhere, but thinking back, _did I miss him_? I remembered that I'd asked Mikey where he was a few times, but I never got a real reply. What was I supposed to think at ten years old?

After twenty or so minutes, the cold water had successfully frozen my limbs, and I managed to pull myself away from it, wrapping myself in three towels and crossing the hall again to my bedroom. I closed my mom's door on the way. When I opened my bedroom door, I shivered again. How was it colder in my bedroom that it was in the bathroom? Glancing to the corner, I saw that my window was open, but I didn't recall it being open when I got home. My mom never leaves windows open on a night, or in winter for that matter.

I sighed and pulled the towels tighter around my skin, starting towards the window when something caught my eye. I choked, gasping for air and almost losing my balance. Somebody was sat on my bed.


	5. Chapter Five.

_This face gives smiles unjustified. I once was lost, but I swear I'm fine. Until the ground holds me in its arms..._

Shock and utter terror took over me as the figure sat at the head of my bed seemed to turn, looking directly at me in the dark. Agonizing memories from _that night_ flooded through my thoughts and I felt adrenaline pumping around me at speeds unimaginable; yet I couldn't move a muscle. I went through everything I could do other than break down pleading, but my choices weren't exactly vast.

 _I could grab the phone off the bedside table_ _,_ I thought, before mentally slapping myself on the forehead and biting down roughly on the inside of my cheek. This person was sat on my bed, _next to_ my bedside table.

 _I could run to my mom's room,_ was another thought that I quickly processed, but my legs refused to co-operate with me, and this person was no doubt faster than my horrendously uncoordinated self.

 _What if I screamed?_ No, I had no idea what this person was capable of, and if my mom somehow got involved I couldn't bare to think about what could happen to her.

I opened my mouth, forcing any noise to make its way out of my seemingly collapsed lungs. Anything I managed to produce stopped almost as soon as I saw the person move again. Their hand reached out beside them; long arm and spidery fingers a black outline as they touched something across from them, causing my breathing to hitch suddenly and I felt myself cave inward, my arms wrapping innocently around my own torso.

The lamp by the side of my bed clicked on suddenly, illuminating my small, childlike bedroom with a bright glow and I saw the person's arm retreat to its place by their side. I stared with a dumbfounded expression at Gerard who was smiling at my unblinking eyes and pure shock.

"What the fuck are you doing?" I snapped at him, annoyance clear in my words. I watched his grin flinch and disappear.

He hushed me, standing quickly and swiftly moving across the room towards me. "You'll wake your mom up," he whispered.

"What the fuck are you doing?" I repeated, quieter now, but somehow the same meaning of my words remained. "How long have you been here?"

"Not long," he insisted. "I just needed to talk to you."

My expression softened and I spoke less agitated, however I was still fucking pissed that he broke into my bedroom. "We just spoke like, an hour ago, remember?"

I saw Gerard's eyes flicker down to my scuffed, wooden floorboards and his lips twitched up into a slight smile. I noticed a blush forming on his cheeks as he shoved his hands into the front pockets of his jeans. I remained silent when he looked back up at me.

"Actually, I wanted to make sure you were okay," he explained to me. "And I also wanted to ask something."

I stared at him in confusion and nodded my head slowly as I waited for him to speak again. When he didn't, I folded my arms over my bare chest, suddenly feeling very exposed by the fact that I was wrapped in a towel.

"I'm okay," I stated, awkwardly shuffling around my room to find some pajamas. Pulling some batman bottoms on under the towel and throwing it onto my bed, I turned to look at Gerard who was absently staring out the window. I waited again.

"Are you sure?" He asked me, not even bothering to look up. I nodded, even though he couldn't see me. When he finally turned to look at me, the blush and his shy smile returned. "Good."

"So, is that all you wanted? I don't mean to sound rude but it's late," I muttered, absently scratching at the back of my hand and glancing at the alarm clock that my mom had replaced.

"You're talking," he told me suddenly, and I froze my actions. "I mean, you refused to talk to me - to Mikey or my mom - now you're talking; what's up with that?"

I began to stutter as panic rose up my throat and seemed to begin blocking off my airways; my heart started racing in my chest as if trying to escape from this constant overtime. "You wouldn't understand," I finally succeeded in saying.

"Try me."

I shook my head slow enough to not induce the nausea and sighed. "I can't."

"Sure you can," Gerard whispered, taking a step towards me while I simultaneously took a subconscious step back towards my bed.

"I _can't,_ " I repeated with urgency. "Gerard, please will you leave?" My words must have seemed to come off as quite harsh as his footsteps ceased and he seemed to stop his movements altogether, hurt taking over and replacing his softened features. A few seconds passed before he nodded slowly, blinking a few times.

As he turned to leave, I felt a pang of guilt in my chest and my stomach tied in knots, causing my mouth to open again.

"Wait a minute," I urged, almost regretting my words but he turned reluctantly to answer. I shuffled awkwardly over to him and hugged him. For a few seconds, it was a one-sided action with my arms wrapped limply around his shoulders. Gerard's arms remained at his side still until it registered that I was waiting to be hugged back, and he brought his arms around my waist and returned the offer until I felt my breathing start to speed up and I began to panic. Gerard pulled away slowly, furrowing his eyebrows as I offered him a weak smile.

"Bye," I whispered flashing the only smile I could muster as he turned towards the window.

I shut it after he was on the ground and I'd watched him walk safely across the street, and I locked it, shivering as I tugged my curtains closed. Scrambling into bed, I pulled the covers right over me. Somehow my shivering never seemed to halt , but I knew it wasn't from lack of heat. My heart was beating slightly faster than usual, and my palms were clammy and sweating. What just happened?

I laid there motionless for hours, thoughts and memories swirling relentlessly around my head like a whirlpool and seeming to find ways to keep me conscious for most of the night, no matter how exhausted I felt. Lying on my back, I heaved a tired sigh and ran a hand through my hair messily, then let my arm fall limp above my head as I closed my eyes and wished for the darkness to overcome me until morning.

Eventually, I did manage to find a few hours of sleep, only it was filled with the torturous memories from _that night,_ and I woke a few minutes before my alarm. My body was completely numb and out of my control. Although I was aware that I was awake, I felt as though I was trapped, unable to escape the nightmare; I could see him hovering on top of me, pinning my helpless limbs to the mattress. I strained and fought to free my arms, but it was no use. It felt like a hand was over my mouth, preventing any gasps of help to be called for, and making it hard to breathe.

The screeching bleep of my alarm startled me, interrupting my panic and he vanished almost as sudden as he appeared, leaving me with a twisted vision in my head. Frantically, I clasped a hand over my mouth, my heart racing as I struggled against the covers that were stuck to my now sweaty skin. A strange vomiting sensation seemed to erupt its way through the bottom of my stomach and had me almost heaving in the darkness of my own bedroom, and I still hadn't turned off my alarm.

My bedroom door opened then, and my mom appeared in the doorway, stopping to watch my actions with concern. When she realized my state she was by my side in an instant, rubbing soothing circles on my back and humming reassuring words as she reached out for the small bin beside my bed. She held it under my chin, and almost immediately I hurled the contents of my stomach up into it. It wasn't much; I'd only eaten merely a handful of popcorn in the past few days.

"You're not going to school," she stated, and I nodded my head. I regretted it, as suddenly the room seemed to be spinning in all directions and my eyes couldn't focus on my mom who was now standing in front of me, a concerned expression on her face. "Go back to sleep, I'll take the day off work to look after you," she smiled, creasing her eyebrows when I began to protest.

"No," I frowned. "Don't do that for me. You've already been threatened with the sack."

"Eh, don't worry about it. The job's shit anyway," she shrugged, a small laugh escaping her lips. She seemed completely okay with that idea.

I didn't understand my mom's way of thinking. Sure, she hated her job, but she was constantly joking about quitting or getting fired when really, we needed all the money we could get. We were struggling to pay the bills, keep the fridge stocked, or even get enough hot water to last us a week. Yet, she didn't seem to mind as long as I told her that I was okay. I'd never understand; I'm never going to be okay - she's wasting her time.

I smiled anyway, and she nodded, kissing the top of my head before exiting my room and pulling out her phone. After a minute or so I could hear her talking to her boss; I knew he wouldn't be happy about it.

"Yes," she said. "I'm going to need the day off, Frank isn't well."

There was a pause before she spoke again.

"Well, no, but if you'd just hear me out..."

There was another short pause.

"Now just hold on a minute. What happened to my boy was _not_ his fault!"

 _There_ it was; he was bringing _him_ into it again. It was kind of ironic how my mom's boss was one of my stepdad's friends.

As if on cue, I felt another wave of nausea wash over me and I hunched my back, bringing the bin to my chin once again. After another few seconds, my mom entered my room again, her worry lines much more noticeable than usual.

"Are you finished?" She asked me. I deliberated a few seconds, waiting for the nausea to pass, and I nodded cautiously.

Taking the bin from my hands, she told me she would wash it out and that I should get some sleep. It was then that I realized how tired I actually was, and how little sleep I'd gotten the previous night. But did I really want sleep? Sure - I admit that I was worn out, and I wanted to rest - but I knew that sleeping right now was out of the question. I wasn't allowing myself to be tortured again.

I slowly let myself fall backwards, closing my eyes as soon as my head hit the pillow. She hummed a soft song as she walked out, closing the door. I heard the latch click, and my eyes opened again. I was going to have to keep myself awake.

-

This was the seventh time my phone had rung in the past half hour. I presumed school was over now. For the past six hours, I had managed to keep my eyes open and my brain occupied. I did everything from practicing guitar to jacking off. Of course, I left the last one until my mom had gone to the shop for some milk. Then I got a cold shower, trying to snap myself out of my thoughts and keep myself awake for a little while longer.

Lying on the cool, wooden floor of my bedroom, the cold was stinging my bare back. I'd been here for the past half hour, simultaneously ignoring the ringing of my phone that was across the room, somewhere under the tangled mess of blankets and sheets.

"Frank, honey, are you going to answer that?" My mom poked her head round the door and flashed me a concerned look.

"I don't know where it is," I sighed, stretching my arms and reaching one out towards my bed. "It's somewhere over there."

She smirked slightly, making her way over in that direction and stepping over me. "You know, just because you're ill doesn't mean you get to be lazy."

"I've done quite a lot with my day, I'll have you know," I replied, poking my tongue out when she wasn't looking.

"Is that so?" She was pulling the blankets from my bed, the shrill of my ringtone echoing louder and louder until it was by my ear. I recoiled, the noise startling me. She chuckled as I took it, and I shooed her out of the room when I saw who the caller ID was. She obliged, and scurried out, closing the door behind her.

"Hello?" I sighed, holding the small device to my ear. I still hadn't moved from the middle of my floor.

_"Frank? Jesus, where were you today?"_

"I'm ill," I told him. "And I didn't sleep well."

 _"Oh. Don't you know?"_ His words were hushed.

"Know what?" I questioned. I was suddenly interested in this conversation.

_"I swear I didn't tell anyone. I promise on my fucking goldfish. I don't know how everybody knows."_

"Slow down. What does everybody know?" My voice was panicky and I felt my palms getting sweatier against the cold floor.

_"They know."_

"What the fuck do they know?!" I yelled, and I heard my mom drop something downstairs.

_"Frank. They fucking know."_


	6. Chapter Six.

       _Hell-bent on slipping away, I felt you slowly turn away. My thoughts go black, it breaks my heart._

" _Frank, are you there?_ " Mikey sounded panicked, fearful, and he was still speaking  so quietly that I barely heard him through the phone.  _"Frank, hello?!"_

My bedroom door opened, and my mom stood hesitantly in the doorway, unsure of what was happening. "Frank?" She whispered, concerned. I didn't reply.

I remained laying in the middle of my bedroom, staring blankly at the ceiling. My phone slipped from my hand and landed gently on the floor by my head. My mouth was open slightly; my breathing coming out in shallow gasps.

My mom bent down beside me to pick up my phone and silently hold it to her ear. After a few seconds or so she pulled it away again, pressing a few buttons until I could hear Mikey's frantic words echoing through the speaker.

_"Frank? Fucking say something!"_

"Mikey?" My mom questioned. There was a worry in her voice that I'd never even heard before. I still hadn't moved or said anything.

 _"Mrs. Iero? Is that you?"_ He sounded exasperated.

"Yes, Mikey, it's me. What's in the world has happened?"

_"They know, they know all about it."_

A few seconds of silence passed while my mom waited for him to elaborate. "Wait, who's they? What exactly do  _they_ know?"

_"Them, school; everybody in school. They know what happened to Frank."_

"Mikey, I don't understand." My mom breathed in a sharp breath, fearing for the worst. " _What_ do they know?"

 _"They know he was raped!"_ Mikey finally breathed, sounding defeated.  _"I didn't want to have to say it,"_ he mumbled, an unusual tone in his voice.

My mom remained silent after that, her eyes glided and remained fixed on me while his words sunk in. I closed my eyes then, wanting the floor to open up and swallow me whole. I didn't want this -  _any_ of this to happen. Before I knew it, silent tears were falling from my eyes and landing softly on the wooden floor beneath my head. I heard the beep of my mom hanging up on Mikey's mutters and she dropped down to her knees beside me. 

"Frank," she hummed, trying to sound put together as she pulled my head into her lap and caressed the side of my face and hair. I whined, my eyes closing tight and my body beginning to shake. My sobs became muffled as I placed a hand over my mouth and forced myself to remain silent. My mom whispered to me, encouraging me to cry, but I didn't want to. Crying had done nothing for me the past year, what good would it do now?

She didn't ask me how I was. She didn't ask how they found out, or who exactly I'd told. She didn't at all question me. She left me after about an hour to sit on my floor and think about what I was going to do. She brought food up for me - three meals. They wound up in the corner of my bedroom; out of sight, out of mind. I was too sick - too disgusting to eat.

In a way, my mom leaving me on my own was a good thing. But it gave me time to think; do they know  _who_ it was?  _Who_ did that to me? If they did, I'd be the laughing stock of the school. I already  _am_. Who  _did_ I tell? I told Mikey. Maybe Gerard had seen the note? Or I'd left it written on the whiteboard that I'd left at Mikey's house? Does Donna know? Has she told Mikey's dad, Donald? What does  _Gerard_ think? 

All of this lead me to one conclusion - I wasn't going back to school.  I wasn't leaving my bedroom, or my house. I didn't need to, and there was no way my that mom could convince me otherwise.

That night, my mom came upstairs one last time to check on me. She took down the full three plates of food, and didn't offer me any more. I climbed unsteadily into bed, but I knew that I couldn't sleep. I was awake all night. I left my curtains open, gazing at the stars. In a way, they reminded me of myself. You could see them; the looked  _alive._  But really, they'd been dead a long, long time. What you see isn't always  _what_ you're seeing. I felt utterly dead inside - nothing but an empty shell. 

I watched as the sun rose through my window. I watched as it slowly faded, and it began to rain lightly. The rain soon turned to hail, and all I could hear was the soothing racket of it pounding against the roof and the window. The noise filled my ears and drowned out the frustrating sound of my own messed up thoughts for a few hours.

I heard a light knock on my bedroom door and I rolled over, not wanting to deal with my mom's worrying. When the knocking didn't go away, I rolled over again to face it, grumbling, "Go away," and throwing a pillow at the direction of the door. Then I heard my mom's voice. She was talking to somebody.

"Just go inside, dear."

I heard a mutter of, "Thank you," and my bedroom door slowly began to open, revealing a very tired and distressed looking Mikey. I tried to force a smile, but gave up with just a slight wave of my arm in his direction. He nodded at me and began sitting on the floor. I didn't bother to protest, or insist that he sat on my bed. He'd always been an awkward one.

"Are you-" He cut himself off, knowing how stupid the question was. "I mean, how are you feeling?"

I nodded my head once. 

"Gerard said he, uh, he wants to apologize for everything that has happened."

"What?" My voice cracked and it sounded strained. My eyes were pleading, internally praying to every single God I'd ever heard of that Mikey's next words weren't going to be what I thought they would.  _No,_ _it couldn't have been him_. _It couldn't have been_   _Gerard_. I didn't tell him. I didn't even  _hint_ at what might have happened.  _He doesn't know,_ I told myself.  _He can't know._

"It was Gerard." Mikey's words cut through my thoughts like a blade and caused my breathing to come to a halt. I couldn't even manage to speak before Mikey started again. "He found the piece of paper that you wrote on."

"Mikey," I began with a broken plea.

"He saw what you wrote on it. He panicked; he didn't know how to handle it."

I tried again. " _Mikey._ "

"He phoned up the school, but he only wanted to help-"

"Mikey!" I yelled, unaware of the level I'd raised by voice. He snapped his head up from his lap to look at me, his eyes wide with shock. His words had caused me to feel sick; dizzy to the point of passing out. "Leave," I ordered.

"Frank, please, it's not my fault."

"Get out." I was on the verge of raising my voice again. My mom opened my bedroom door and I groaned internally. Mikey stood at once, his awkward knees shaking. He pushed past my mom and saw himself out as I stood to push my mom out of my bedroom too, and I closed the door, dragging over the chair from my desk and placing it under the handle to create a make-shift lock; a way to keep everybody out.

I didn't want to speak, I didn't want to eat, I didn't want to live. I wanted to rot inside these walls. 

One. Two. Three days passed.

My fourth day of isolation was the day Gerard turned up at my door.


	7. Chapter Seven.

Four days inside the walls of this dirty room was almost driving me insane. I could rarely sleep, and I'd be pacing my bedroom floor relentlessly at 5 AM, or I'd sing to myself - some of the lyrics being scarily dark.

_I am the world's worst, I am my own worst enemy, and I hate me. Most days, I can't believe I'm still here. Most days, I'm surprised._

The fuse in my guitar amp blew, which I was pretty upset over, but it made it easier to sing whilst I played without having to strain my voice over the noise. I'm sure that my mom appreciated the silence, too. I'm almost 90 percent that sure she sat outside of my bedroom sometimes when I sang. She'd never heard me sing before - I made sure that nobody could hear me when I did - but as I wasn't going to be seeing anybody anytime soon, I really didn't fucking care.

On the other hand, what I was doing wasn't really singing. I screamed. I screamed my heart out to my walls as an alternative to crying. Crying was a sign of weakness, and I was doing everything left in my power to prove that I wasn't weak.

But I was hiding.

I was pushing everybody that cared about me away, and avoiding everything that seemed even mildly wrong, and I was virtually killing myself in the slowest way possible. Isn't suicide supposed to be a coward's way out? A weak way to give up? I didn't want to give up, but right at that moment it seemed like my only choice. I was starving, I was bored, I needed to piss, and I hadn't talked to anyone in days.

"Frank, honey? Are you awake?" My mom's familiar voice sounded from outside of my bedroom door along with a faint knock. I felt a weight lift slightly from my shoulders at the sound of her voice but for some reason, I couldn't bring myself to reply. Not even when she knocked louder, or called my name a few more times. What did shock me into replying, though, was the voice that I heard next.

"Here, let me try."

I heard my mom shuffle, and then there was a slightly firmer knock on my door. "Frank?"

"Gerard," I breathed, then gasped. His knocking came to a halt and I knew he'd heard me. My mom whispered something to him, and then I heard her footsteps nearing the stairs. Gerard knocked again. 

"Can I come in?" He almost whispered when he didn't hear a reply. I shook my head a few times, before almost laughing at myself. He couldn't see me.

"No," I answered after a few moments of debating. I heard Gerard sigh, and something slide down my bedroom door. I figured that he'd resorted to sitting down and waiting, his back and head against my door. I moved towards it to do the same, moving the chair for the first time in four days.

"Why not?" Gerard questioned softly after a few moments. I hesitated before I replied, thinking my words through.

"You know why," I sighed quietly. "I can't leave this room."

"Yes you can," he protested almost instantly. "You can get through this. I _know_  you can. I swear, I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I panicked and I didn't know what to do. I thought if I rang your school, they could...I don't _know_ , make sure that nobody found out?" He laughed bitterly. "Yeah, I guess that plan backfired. I'm a fucking idiot."

I remained silent, although every fiber of my being was telling me to forgive him. I needed his company too much right now to hold him responsible for this mess. There was only one person to blame, and that bastard was my rapist.

"Frank?"

I thought about it for a few moments before giving up, defeated. "Okay," I sighed. "Come in."

I heard him stand and I did the same, bracing myself, but he didn't open the door. Reaching out with a shaky hand, I hesitated, before twisting the door handle and opening it slowly. The creaking alerted my mom downstairs, who I heard shuffling closer to the staircase, presumably to listen in on the conversation. I took a deep breath as I came face to face with Gerard. His eyes looked worn and tired, and his clothes were crinkled. He smiled at me slightly, his nose scrunching and making him look unbelievably adorable. I almost had to stop myself from _aw-_ ing at him.

Gerard cleared his throat, and I snapped out of my trance to look at him. He had an amused smile on his face, and he tilted his head to the side. "See something good?" He joked, much like he did the first night that he came back. _"Well, are you gonna help me, or just sit gawking at my ass?"_  I laughed quietly as I remembered, my cheeks flushing once again, like they do every time. 

Gerard sighed. "You look a mess," he told me, then froze. "I mean, you don't look very well," he added, and I laughed a little louder. He visibly relaxed at my reaction.

"Thanks so much," I muttered sarcastically, punching him gently in the arm. He faked hurt, and then sighed again. 

"Hey, listen, Frank. I'm so sorry."

"Don't." I cut him off before he could continue. "I don't care anymore. I don't want to talk about it. How about you stop apologizing, and I don't bring it up, deal?"

He nodded quickly, a smile gracing his features. He opened his arms lightly to gesture for a hug. I obliged and stepped forward, letting him envelop me in a well-needed embrace.

"Aww." My mom's voice echoed from behind us and Gerard chuckled slightly when I pulled away, blush clear on my cheeks. Still, I walked over to her and hugged her tightly. She seemed surprised at first, but hugged back, kissing the top of my head a few times. "Don't ever scare me like that again, Frank," she scalded. I nodded and hugged her tighter.

Gerard sat down on the edge of my bed, even after I'd protested that he should wait until I'd at least changed the tangled blankets for clean ones. I tried pulling and pushing him; he wouldn't budge. In the end, I settled for sitting on the floor in front of him, legs crossed and head resting on my hands. 

We talked about various things, comic books being our number one topic. Gerard told me about how he had aspired to be a comic book designer, and he had a whole bunch of comic strips and designs in his suitcase at home. He promised that he'd show me sometime, after a series begging and guilt-tripping. I smiled triumphantly when he agreed, but frowned slightly when he said the word 'condition.' I would have to let him include me in one of his comic book ideas. 

He had this whole theme in his head. I would be called Fun Ghoul, and he would be Party Poison. He even had one for Mikey; Kobra Kid. They were the Killjoys or something like that. I kind of zoned out during the conversation, but was brought back into it when Gerard mentioned going home.

"What?" I asked, and he smiled. 

"Frank, it's almost ten thirty."

"What?" I repeated. How was it  _that_ time already? When he came over I was sure it was only at least 5 PM.

"It's late, I should be going," he chuckled and started to stand, but I stopped him by grabbing his wrist in my hand. "What are you-" He started when I cut his question off with another hug, and before I pulled away, I may have kissed his head the way he did to me before. When I looked at him, he seemed to have the remainder of slightly pink tinted cheeks, and I couldn't help but smile up at him. His words came out stuttered and flustered, and he smiled back as he said them. "Well, uh, bye I guess."

"Come back tomorrow?" I said far too quickly, and I internally cringed at how forward the proposition had sounded out loud.

"You're supposed to be studying with Mikey tomorrow," he told me with a chuckle. I smacked my forehead with the palm of my hand. 

"Oh, shit, I forgot," I muttered. "Wait, how did you know about that?"

"Well uh, Mikey wouldn't ask you himself because of your argument the other night, but he wanted to know if it was still on." Gerard spoke with a hesitant tone in his voice, as if he was worried that I was going to kick  _him_ out for bringing it up.

"Yeah, tell him I'm still up for it."

"Can I also tell him that you'll be at school tomorrow..?" He added, trailing off his question at the end. I hesitated.

"Uh, yeah." Well, there was no going back now. "Sure, tell him I'll be there. And he better fucking wait for me."

"Good," he smiled, showing his abnormally small baby teeth. "I'll make sure of it. And I swear, if anybody gives you _any_ shit-"

"Shh, leave," I giggled. "It's late, you said so yourself."

"Alright, fine." He exhaled, still sounding concerned. 

I walked Gerard to the front door and my mom watched us as we said bye from the kitchen. He hugged me again, and then left. As I turned, my mom was walking towards me, a strange her features beaming with a grin.

Before I could even question her behavior, she came out with the statement, "You like him."

"No I don't!" I all but shrieked, and she had to try and force her smirk from her face as I stomped up the staircase, ignoring her when she sang,  "Yes you do," happily in my direction.


	8. Chapter Eight.

      _Some things change but they don't get better. I'm so sick and so tired of trying to tell them that I'll never do it, I'll never make it alone._

The next morning, I was disturbed awake to the howl of my alarm clock, and my mom arguing with somebody in her bedroom. It was a one-sided conversation, and there were a lot of pauses; I realized rather quickly that she was talking to somebody else on her phone. I listened in, not feeling at all guilty about my apparent eavesdropping. If something - or some _body_  - was bothering my mom, I wanted to know about it.

"N-no, you listen to me!"

Pause.

"Well, fine. Fuck you and goodbye."

Pause.

"...Dickhead."

I chuckled lightly. I loved it when my mom swore. It mad her seem more human - more like a person - and not just plain old  _'mom_.'

I exhaled and stood from my bed, heading towards my mom's bedroom door. I knocked quietly, two times, and opened it to peer inside when she called, "Come in." I poked my head around the wood and smiled at her.

"You okay?" I asked, and she nodded, returning my smile.

"Well, I just got fired, but I'm as okay as I can be, I guess."

My smile faltered. "Fuck," I seethed, frowning at nobody in particular. Right then I was picturing my hands around that boss bastard's neck.

"Yeah," she sighed, sounding deflated. "It's fine, honestly. I hated that job," she tried to reassure, but sounded no less assured herself. "At least now I can find a job that I like," she added. "I just need to find one _fast_ , and I don't know if that's going to be easy." I nodded, agreeing with her.

"Yeah, nowadays it's hard as anything to find an employer that'd hire you out of the blue. They're not exactly growing on trees."

"Ah, shit. Thanks for making me feel better, Frankie," she snorted, her eyes glaring at me with daggers.

"No problem, mom," I grinned and walked back to my bedroom to get ready for school. 

"Frank, are you ready yet?" My mom yelled to from the bottom of the stairs. I groaned and opened my door, starting down the stairs. "If you wanna be on time you need to get your little butt in my car in the next five minutes," she informed me, directing me outside to the car.

The journey to school was quiet, mainly because of how perturbed and frail I was beginning to feel the closer we got to the school.

"How are you feeling?" My mom asked me, the concern in her words poorly hidden.

"Alright, I guess," I murmured, fiercely scratching the back of my hand. She nodded her head towards my hand, tutting with her tongue and her teeth.

"You know you shouldn't be doing that."

"I can't help it," I shrugged. "It's a nervous thing. I guess the distraction helps me cope with the anxiety."

She exhaled loudly. "You have no reason to be nervous, Frank. Everything'll be okay, I promise."

I scoffed. "Sure."

A few minutes of silence passed between us and my mom slowed the car. "There's Mikey," she pointed out to me. "Why don't you go and catch up with him?"

I sighed. "Thanks for the half-a-ride to school," I laughed quietly, before kissing her on the cheek exiting the car to run towards the awkward-kneed boy.

"Hey, Mikes." I spoke hesitantly, feeling my nerves begin to get the better of me. What if he was pissed with me? What if he didn't want to talk to me? I could apologize, but there were still doubts in my mind telling me that he wouldn't want to listen to it.

I was snapped quickly out of my trance when Mikey turned to face me, smiling. He was _smiling_ , which was a rare sight as opposed to his sarcastic expression. "Hey," he replied, looking relieved when I returned the smile. "We still good for tonight?"

I exhaled the breath I was holding in relief, happy that things seemed to remain completely normal between us. No apologies needed, no more arguing, no groans of annoyance heard. We were how we'd always been, yet it felt somewhat strange. I nodded my head and Mikey dragged me straight into a conversation that normally I wouldn't have been able to keep up with. Most of the time I just listened, nodded and smiled where appropriate. Mikey seemed pleased that I was making an effort this time.

"So, has anything happened between you and Gerard yet?" Mikey smirked a little, raising his eyebrows in curiosity.

"No, of course not," I answered immediately, which only fueled his suspicions. "Why?" I added casually, trying to play it off cool. Totally nailed it.

"No reason." He acted oblivious. "Only when he came home last night it was pretty late, and he was acting defensive and flustered whenever I tried to speak to him."

"How so?" Again, I tried to make myself seem only curious, although I could imagine exactly what Mikey was describing and I knew why, too.

"He was just happy. Like _really_ happy, and he was up drawing most of the night. I actually sneaked into his room and saw what he was working on."

"Really?" I raised an eyebrow and he nodded smugly. "What was it?" I pressed.

" _Who_  was it," he corrected me, and I felt the familiar feeling of my stomach tying in knots. I felt my insides become attacked with butterflies yet I only had a hunch of who it might have been in Gerard's sketchbook.

"Oh?" I hummed.

I glanced at Mikey, who was smirking. "Of course, nothing can happen between the both of you until you're eighteen," he snickered.

"Nothing _will_ happen," I exclaimed, awkwardly defending myself. I knew that my quick outbursts of protest weren't doing the argument any good, and Mikey was buying none of it.

" _Okay_ , okay," he laughed, rolling his eyes. I punched him in a not-so-playful way in the arm. 

"Wait, we have Chemistry first and second period." I stopped in my tracks, while Mikey watched me and waited for elaboration. "Shit. _Shit_ fuck." I slapped my forehead. "Guess who I'm sitting with for the next two hours?"

Mikey froze too this time. "Oh shit, Dwayne Price?"

"No, fucking Gandalf. Yes, Dwayne Price!" Well, I guess skipping first and second period was now on the agenda today. Mikey grabbed my arm, giving me a look that said that he already knew what I was planning.

"No fucking way are you skipping again, Frank. You've already missed so much school." He looked at me disapprovingly, and I pulled my arm away.

"Okay,  _mom_ ," I glared. "What should I do?"

He thought about it for a minute before shrugging. I exhaled impatiently. "Do something that gets you sent out of class; punch him, piss on the equipment, drink the chemicals, I don't know." I glared at him. "I'm being serious!" He objected, trying to defend his suggestions. "Anyway, we're going to be late if you don't hurry your ass up!" Mikey turned to look at me as he sped up ahead of me, and I rolled my eyes, walking only a little bit faster.

Two lessons of Chemistry was not what I'd anticipated it to be, but it could  _not_ have been more funny. Dwayne turned up ten minutes late to class and received a scolding and an after-school detention from our professor, which was entertaining to watch, but it got him in a pissed off mood. 

When the droning of the professor and the frustration of trying to keep Dwayne under control so he didn't get me in detention too became too much, I knew that I needed an excuse to get out of the lesson. And what better excuse could there be other than a trip to the nurses office?

"For fuck's sake," I exhaled, and grabbed a glass tube containing diluted chemicals from Dwayne's hand. We were supposed to be doing an experiment, but we got lost during the instructions, and Dwayne had stared at it for five minutes straight because it _looked like pee._  

I rolled my eyes, barely bothering to even glance at him as I held it to my lips, about to chug the lot of it when I felt it fall from my grip. Dwayne had knocked it from my hands. Looking up at Mr. Organ, his attention was elsewhere, so I turned to Dwayne who was staring, wide-eyed at me. 

"Do you have a fucking death wish?" He hissed at me, his expression unreadable. "Why would you try to drink that shit?!"

I sighed and grinned, leaning down to pick up the now-empty test tube again, placing it on the table in front of me. "I need to get the fuck out of this class," I replied. It became apparent that I had to take it up a notch.

"Frank? Frank Iero, what do you think you're doing? Get down from there!" Our professor's infuriated demands echoed throughout the classroom, and I smirked to myself as I hauled myself up onto the desk. 

"Dwayne won't stop going on about how the chemicals look like piss, so I thought I'd give him a comparison." I fumbled with the button on my pants, carefully angling and standing over the glass tube I'd placed on the desk. 

"Everybody, out of the classroom," the professor demanded, his words immediately causing everybody to stand from their seats. He averted his eyes as I began to unzip. "Frank, _please_  get down. Put your- put it away and get down from the desk, this is ridiculous. I'm taking you to the principal's office," he threatened _._ I stole a glance at him and he didn't seem angry, per se, just extremely confused and slightly fed up.

"Okay," I shrugged, exhaling. "That works for me." I climbed down from the desk and the professor held the door open for me, escorting me out of the classroom and towards the principal's office. He sat me on a chair outside of her door and told me to wait while he spoke to her. Eavesdropping was of course how I passed the time.

"Miss, I don't know what's gotten into him. His behavior was so _odd._ He almost urinated in my classroom!" 

I heard the principle sigh, and I imagined her crossing her arms. "They boy's been through a lot, you're aware of that. I guess we allow him to carry on through school day. He was probably looking for an excuse to leave, or maybe he had a rough morning."

"Very well." I heard footsteps nearing me and I instantly sat upright as the professor opened the office door and stepped out, motioning for me to follow him.

"Where am I going?" I questioned, frowning.

"Back to class for now," he informed me just as the school bell sounded to signal for break.

"Ah, class is over, goodbye!" I waved at him, speed-walking down the corridor to the direction of the student exit.

I met Mikey when school was over at the front of the school and his face was a mixture of pure amazement and amusement. "You pissed in the lab?!" He screeched, and I shushed him with wide eyes. "I wasn't being serious when I told you to!"

"No, you dipshit." I whispered, then hesitated. "I  _almost_  did. I wasn't actually going to do it."

"Jesus Christ, you never cease to amaze me," he laughed, and then motioned his elbow towards the car pulled up on the side of the road outside of school. 

"I think that's Gerard waiting for us," Mikey said to himself, and my stomach began to flutter. Fuck, it was really getting annoying. Why did I get this way whenever his name was mentioned? I forcefully willed them to fly away and murmured a reply.

"Uh, I think so? What's he doing here?"

"I guess picking us up? Hey, Gerard!" Mikey called out towards him, waving an arm before running to the black Mini convertible. Gerard waved back with a smile and a pair of black shades on his face, opening his door and stepping out. He tilted his sunglasses down to wink at me before turning his attention to Mikey. That fucker. As I approached them both they seemed to be in the middle of a conversation. I got there just in time to understand what they were talking about.

"Yeah, mom loaned me some money for this beauty. I'll pay her back when I get a job, of course. She's cute, isn't she?" He motioned towards the car he was leaning on and smirked. Mikey laughed.

"Dude, you're a 21 year old  _guy_ , you don't say cars are cute."

"Well I do," he grumbled, frowning and ruffling Mikey's hair. Mikey slapped his hand away and jumped towards the side-view mirror of Gerard's car to inspect the damage to his gelled down hair.

He grabbed the car door handle once he'd flattened it down again and yelled, "Shotgun!" but he was stopped when Gerard grabbed his arm and waggled a finger in the air. Then he turned to look at me.

"What about Frank? Do you want to sit in the front?" Gerard offered, and I opened my mouth several times, muttering something incoherent before giving up and shrugging. "I'll take that as a yes," he smirked, and motioned for Mikey to sit in the back. 

"Not fair," Mikey protested, crossing his arms over his chest. "I'm your baby brother."

"And you're also a little shit," Gerard added, causing Mikey's angry facade to shatter and he laughed as he climbed into the back seat. "Watch your feet on the seats, please," he pleaded, inspecting them once Mikey had sat comfortably.

Mikey stuck his middle finger up to Gerard who saw it through the rear-view mirror and scoffed, and I laughed as I glanced towards Gerard, who had opened the passenger door for me. "Are you getting in? Or would you prefer to walk home?" He asked from the drivers side. I hesitated, then nodded, climbing in to sit next to him. I could have sworn he winked at me again.


	9. Chapter Nine.

      _I've spent my life getting in my own way, so I could use something good. I really need this to work out, but the way thing have gone it might be smarter to just cash out._

"So, kids," Gerard grinned towards Mikey through his rear-view mirror. "How was school?"

Before I could even get a word in, Mikey blurted, "Frank pissed in the Chemistry lab!" And I spun around from my place in the passenger seat to glare daggers at him.

"I did not!" I frowned at him. "I _a_ _lmost_  pissed in the lab," I corrected, rolling my eyes with Gerard's reply.

"That would have been a good show," Gerard laughed loudly, and I shrunk into the seat of the car, folding my arms into my chest.

"Stop being such a pervert, Gerard," Mikey warned, transforming into protective best friend mode and glaring at him through the rear-view mirror.

"I was talking about people's reactions," Gerard promised, and Mikey seemed to almost nod. "What are you guys doing when we get home?" He changed to subject as we turned onto their street.

"Studying," Mikey and I both replied simultaneously, and then both turned to glance at each other with wide eyes. "Woah, weird," we said in synchronization again.

"Shit, we are _not_  finishing each other's sentences," I laughed, and climbed out of the car once we'd parked up on the driveway. As Mikey climbed out of the car he grabbed me by the wrist and dragged me through the front door and up the staircase to his bedroom.

"Dude, Gerard likes you," he stated as he shut his bedroom door and turned around while I stared at him in silence. "You do know that, right?" He added slowly when I didn't reply. I could feel my eyes beginning to burn as I stared longer.

"Shut up," I managed to retort. "No he doesn't. He doesn't, you're fucking with me."

" _Okay_ , it's not like he told me in his desperation for my approval or anything," he murmured to himself, and I grabbed him as he turned towards his desk. I spun him back around to face me.

"He wanted your _approval_?!" I echoed, exhaling sharply while Mikey grinned and I released my grip on his arm. He turned and started fumbling with something on his desk, before turning to his doorway. I glanced around too, to see the same raven haired boy quickly stumble away from the doorway and down the hall, thinking that we couldn't see him.

"Nah, I overheard him and Lindsey discussing you. I'm only his brother, why would he need _my_ approval. You're my best friend, of course it's okay. So, what were we studying in English again?"

It took me a few moments to gather my thoughts and process this information well enough before I could speak again. "You're the freaky genius kid, you should know."

"John Steinbeck? I don't remember which book of his that it was, though." He mumbled to himself as he walked over to his CD shelf. "Why don't we listen to some music?"

"Sure," I sighed, and threw myself onto his bed in starfish-mode. "Whatever," I exhaled sharply again.

The only thing going through my mind right then was _shit_ , Gerard liked me, but he was twenty-one and I was seventeen. Is that even legal in New Jersey? What were the laws around here? But I was eighteen in two months, of course it was consensual. There's only four years difference between us. I found myself questioning why I was even considering it. There was no way that it was true. Gerard couldn't like me; I was a mess.

"You were fucking with me earlier, right?" I asked, averting my eyes for his reply.

"Dude, I'm telling you the truth. Would I ever lie to you?" Mikey flung his arms by his sides in defeat, and changed the subject by throwing a bunch of CD's on the bed beside me. "Pick one."

We studied in silence, keeping the music on a low volume for background noise. Mikey sat cross-legged on his bed, whereas I stuck to lying on the floor on my stomach.

"I have to pee," I sighed without thinking, and quickly stood up to relieve some of the pressure on my swelling bladder. Mikey's eyes flickered up to look at me as he smirked, murmuring something about the Chemistry lab but remaining utterly engrossed in whatever he was reading.

"Ha ha," I fake-laughed as I awkwardly stretched my legs and began to hobble unsteadily out of his bedroom. "Bitch."

"Jerk," he retorted, throwing a book at the door when I closed it behind me.

I rolled my eyes and made my way towards the bathroom at the end of the hallway before stopping. The door was closed, and the door was hardly ever closed which meant that somebody was in there. I knocked quietly and got a muffled reply.

"Occupied!" It was Gerard's voice.

"Uh, okay, it's uh- its Frank. I'll just wait outside." I laughed quietly to myself, feeling slightly awkward as I talked to him through the bathroom door.

"I'll be two minutes," he called, and I nodded before replying, "okay" when I realized he couldn't see me.

When Gerard finally opened the bathroom door, he almost walked straight into me. He jumped, clearly not expecting me to be right outside of the door. I blushed slightly and jumped backwards before slipping past him into the bathroom and closing the door. I caught a glimpse of Gerard who had  turned to face me, and by the looks of it he was about to say something to me. Was I avoiding him? Yes. Did I want to? No, not really. I didn't really know why I was acting that way.

I did my business and exited the bathroom, a part of me hoping That Gerard would still be for some reason out there so I could confront him about what Mikey had said to me. Yet, another part of me didn't want to have to deal with any of that. To my relief, he was just stepping across the hall towards the stairs. I glanced at him and he smiled lightly at me, but I hurried towards Mikey's bedroom, closing the door loudly behind me.

"Did you see Gerard?" Mikey guessed, laughing.

"No," I retorted. "I mean, well yes, he was in the bathroom, and then he went downstairs."

"He'll be going to his bedroom," he suggested, and I tilted my head, frowning.

"Downstairs?"

"He lives in the basement."

I hesitated for a moment as I felt myself being dragged into a flashback of when we were kids. I remembered Gerard when Mikey and I were ten years old. He was fourteen and a cute little DnD addicted chubby kid. He invited me in to this house to play the first time we met, which is when I actually met Mikey, too. We went inside to ask Donna if it was okay, and that's when I ran into Mikey in the kitchen. We were friends straight away, and I remember Gerard getting a little jealous of that, actually.

Gerard tried to convince me to come down and see his bedroom, but Mikey was tugging me in the opposite direction towards the front door. I wound up going with Mikey; he  _was_  my age, after all. I guess I just clicked better with Mikey back then.

When the flashback ended, I found myself standing in the doorway of Mikey's bedroom still, with his eyes staring curiously at me. "Dude? You okay?" He asked.

"I'm going to go and see Gerard," I mumbled as I began to feel for the door handle, my eyes staring at the scuffed floorboards of Mikey's floor. I suddenly felt guilty as hell, but shit, it was _seven_ years ago. I had a huge knot of guilt eating away at my insides and I needed to get rid of it before it made me sick. I remembered Gerard's heartbroken face when I had ran off with Mikey and I felt like tearing myself in two just to get rid of the way I was feeling right then.

"He might be drawing, he doesn't like being disturbed when he's drawing."

"Well, I'm sure he won't mind if it's me." I wandered absent-minded out of Mikey's bedroom and down the staircase, looking aimlessly around the house for the basement door. How on earth could I have missed it? As it turns out, it was a huge, painted black door at the end of the hall, just beside the door to the dining room. I laughed quietly to myself and took in a deep breath. 

I turned my head and looked behind me, jumping when I saw Mikey emerging from the bottom of the staircase. He grinned at me and I flipped him the finger before knocking quietly and opening the door. Poking my head around, I mumbled, "Hi" and laughed as Gerard to jumped in the seat of his desk.

" _Fuck."_ He hissed, picking up the pencil he dropped. "Uh, hey Frank. You need something?"

"I mean- I'm not sure," I admitted, frowning. I noticed how Gerard was covering something on his desk with his arm, and it triggered my curiosity. Was it a drawing? Why would he hide it from me? Then I remembered what Mikey had said to me the other day.  _"He was just happy,"_  Mikey had told me.  _"And he was up drawing most of the night. I caught a glimpse of one of his drawings."_  I'd pressed about what it was, and Mikey has finally told me that it was  _somebody,_  not  _something._

"Ah," Gerard murmured, and I glanced up at him from the paper under his arm. "You wanna come in? I mean, sit down?"

"Um, sure," I smiled lightly, and sat down on his bed in the center of the room. It was then that I realized that I'd never really had a proper look at his bedroom yet. It was dark. The light wasn't on, and the curtains were closed with just a lamp on Gerard's desk where he was sat. I followed the wall along and took in his millions of pieces of artwork all pinned up to it. They were extraordinary, to say the least.

"Hey, Frank?" Gerard spoke up, snapping me out of my trance. "Could you look at me a sec?"

I tilted my head slightly to the side, a hint of a smirk playing on the edges of my lips when he smiled and turned towards his desk, removing his arm from the paper and beginning to scrawl away with the pencil again.

"That's perfect," he exhaled. "Stay like that."

"Can I see?" I started, but he cut me off by holding up a finger to signal politely for me to shut up. I closed my mouth and tried not to laugh when he stuck his tongue out in concentration. After a few minutes, he looked up and stood, leaving the piece of paper on the desk. "Can't I see?" I protested when he made his way over to me.

"Nope."

"Why-" I began to protest, but he just laughed again.

"Come with me," he said as he pulled me up by the wrist. We made our way to the kitchen and I sat down at the dining table while Gerard fumbled with the kettle. "Do you want coffee?" He called over his shoulder, and I nodded, again forgetting that he couldn't see me.

"Sure," I answered. "Should I see if Mikey wants one?"

Gerard didn't reply - he only nodded - and suddenly I felt kind of bad again. Why did I always bring Mikey up when we talked? I stood from the chair and wandered upstairs and into Mikey's bedroom, startling him. He was still studying, and I snorted.

"Hey, geek, do you want a coffee?"

"Yeah, thanks," he smiled, and I nodded, once again making my way down the staircase. When I entered the kitchen, Gerard wasn't alone. I looked the girl up and down when she wasn't looking and took in her appearance as she talked cheerfully to Gerard, who was standing, casually drinking his coffee. I took note of the other coffee on the table in my spot, where the girl was now sat.

"Oh, hey, Frank," Gerard smiled when he noticed me hesitating in the doorway. The girl turned to look at me again, her hazel eyes widening with curiosity when she heard my name. "This is Lindsey. We went to college together."

"So, this is Frank? Wow, Gerard's told me so much about you," she noted cheerily, and I blushed, glancing over at Gerard who was also now becoming a light shade of pink. She outstretched a hand in my direction. "It's nice to finally meet you," she smiled."


	10. Chapter Ten.

      _The truth is, I'm just fucking existing. The truth is, I'm just trying to survive._

Hesitantly, I took Lindsey's hand and shook it, giving her a quiet, "hi" before shooting a confused look in Gerard's direction; he simply shrugged slightly and cleared his throat.

"Lindsey just turned up a few minutes ago. I completely forgot that she was visiting today," Gerard seemed to almost mumble to nobody in particular. He seemed uneasy and slightly embarrassed when Lindsey turned to face him, a hint of a humored expression on her face.

"Oh, Gerard, how could you forget? You told me you couldn't  _wait_  for me to meet Frank!" A devilish smirk attacked the corners of Lindsey's lips as she gave away possibly something about their conversations that I was not supposed to know about.

" _Okay_ , okay," Gerard cut in, looking even more nauseous than before. I couldn't help but feel some sympathy for him, even though this situation was just as unnerving for me. "Do you, uh, want to go sit in my bedroom?" He eventually managed to offer.

"Nah, I want to stay down here and get to know little Frankie," Lindsey replied, glancing towards me momentarily to wink.

Again, a sudden flashback. I fidgeted my feet slightly, the guilt of being such a carefree child beginning to eat away at me for some reason. Yet, Gerard just seemed to nod, accepting her preference no matter how humiliating it seemed to be for him. I could see why they were friends. "Sure, okay." Gerard gave me a somewhat reassuring smile and I returned it, sitting down as Lindsey signaled to the dining table chair beside her.

It was a strange kind of sensation, having such an in-depth conversation with somebody that I'd only just met and hardly knew anything about. Especially when she would touch my shoulder in comfort, or playfully ruffle my hair. She was a very forward person; I admired that, and I could now definitely see why Gerard was friends with her.

The both of them were extremely sympathetic and caring people, and they tried to be as understanding as they could. It was almost as though they shared personalities - which was weird - yet oddly comforting. I already felt like I could trust her with my life - almost as much as I  _knew_  that I could trust Gerard with my world. I think it was her ability to be so non-judgmental that made me feel so comfortable and incredibly at ease around her. Lindsey had such a rare, open personality, and I began to open up too.

Gerard took a set beside me and opposite Lindsey, still smiling. He seemed happy that Lindsey and I were hitting it off, and he also seemed somewhat relieved, in a way. He appeared to be a lot less tense and on edge than he was when Lindsey and I had both just met. He was beginning to confuse me with his mood changes.

"Gerard didn't even know if you'd remember him," Lindsey told me, laughing in a way that emphasized her laugh lines. I liked that; it reassured me that people treated her as well as she treated everybody else. "He knew that you were still living in this neighborhood because Mikey had told him."

"Alright, Linds, I think that's enough anecdotes for today," Gerard stopped her by playfully putting his hand over her mouth and shushing her. She made a few protesting noises but laughed as she pushed his hand away, pretending to gag at the taste. "Can we change the subject of my embarrassing conversations and do something  more productive?" Gerard chuckled, his eyes watching me as I grinned at him.

A few moments of silence followed while Lindsey glanced adoringly between the two of us and informed us that, apparently, "You guys are so crushing on each other."

"I knew I couldn't be the only one who saw it." Mikey's smug voice echoed from the kitchen doorway and I spun around on my chair far too quickly to see him, slipping and falling painfully onto the hard floor in the process. I landed on the tiles, my ass feeling as though it broke on impact.

"Shit," I laughed, wincing at the pain and glancing up at Mikey. Lindsey and Gerard both peered over the table to look at me, and Mikey, who was laughing his own ass off, almost fell down beside me.

"Man, are you alright?" Mikey managed to ask between breaths as Gerard helped me up by the hand. However, Gerard couldn't have anticipated for how light I was, as he pulled me up with a little too much strength and I stumbled forwards, my face crashing into his chest. It took me a moment or two to register what had happened, and I glanced up at a now slightly flustered looking Gerard.

"Now, kiss," I heard Lindsey whisper to Mikey, who snickered at the unnecessary comment.

"Fuck you," I mumbled into my sleeve, playfully glaring at them. Lindsey and Mikey both placed their hands over their mouths to stifle their laughter and tried to pull themselves together to look serious. Neither succeeded with that.

"Sorry," she apologized, nudging Mikey in the side. 

"Sorry," he repeated, and they grinned at each other whilst me and Gerard both stepped slightly apart and brushed ourselves off.

As if on cue, Donna wandered into the kitchen with a phone in her hand, which she held out to me, telling me it was my mom. "I could hear you kids from the front room," she laughed. "Frank, it's your mother."

I nodded, taking the phone and smiling before holding it to my ear. "Hey, mom?"

 _"Frank, could you come home please?"_  My mom spoke softly to me through the speaker, almost as though she had bad news, and that worried me.

"Why? Is everything okay?" I began to ask, already beginning to feel beads of sweat forming on my forehead.

_"I need to talk to you. I think it's best that you come home so that we can talk in person."_

"What's happened, mom?" I sounded frantic, I could hear the panic in my own words.

_"Frank! Please, just come home!"_

I flinched. Gerard shot me a concerned look when I jumped, but I looked down at my scuffed converse. It was the first time my mom had spoken to me like that - she had never really raised her voice to me.

 _"Actually, stay there. I'm coming pick you up. I'll see you in five minutes."_ I heard the click as she hung up the phone and I remained staring at my feet; my was hand the only thing moving as it shook.

"Is everything alright, hon?" Donna asked, concern lathering her words. I shook my head no, giving no verbal reply.

I saw Lindsey whisper something to Gerard, to which he shrugged her off, not breaking his eye contact with me. Mikey's eyes were widened, and his glasses had fallen slightly off his nose. Donna tried to look reassuring, giving her ever-lasting smile.

"I guess you all heard that," I mumbled, trying to ignore their facial expressions. They all seemed to avoid meeting my eyes now. "I figured," I exhaled, my voice breaking a little. "She's on her way here, I'm going to get my things from Mikey's bedroom."

I made my way up the staircase as everybody watched, and they tried not to make it so obvious. Grabbing my school bag and jacket from Mikey's bedroom and going back on myself down the stairs, I waited impatiently by the front door, adjusting my skeleton gloves every now and again.

When I heard my mom beep in the car outside, I turned to face the kitchen where they were all sat around talking. I waved awkwardly to them and they all returned the gesture, reassuring smiles on each of their faces. Internally, I rolled my eyes. I opened the front door and stepped out into the cooling August air, shivering before walking across the drive and climbing into my mom's car.

My mom didn't speak the entire journey home. She had a tired looking expression on her face - one I I'd only ever seen once before; sadness, disgust, anger, and despair all mixed into one, and my heart began beating faster. My palms became sweaty and I took my gloves off. 

"It's about him, isn't it," I stated dully, and her grip on the steering wheel tightened.

"Frank, leave it until we get home." 

"No, mom, I want to know now. It's about him, I know it is. I know that the trial is over."

"Frank!" My mom raised her voice for the second time in only an hour, causing me to flinch once again. I spoke quieter now, trying to sound convincing.

" _Please,_ just answer me, yes or no. That's all I need until we get home."

Visibly, my mom relaxed herself, her grip on the steering wheel loosening and she exhaled heavily. She nodded her head slowly. "Yes," she answered, and I felt a wave of nausea wash over me. I nodded too, then turned my attention to the passenger window beside me for a distraction.

We arrived back home and I climbed straight out of the car, heading towards our house. I sat on the couch once inside to wait for my mom to follow me in and tell me exactly what was happening. She entered the room at a slow pace, placing her bag and keys on the table and sitting down next to me, all of this seeming to be in slow motion. She placed a hand on my knee, giving it a comforting squeeze and hesitantly looked up to meet my eyes.

"Frank," she started, and I swallowed sharply, nodding my head. "Your step-father..."

"Don't say that word: _father_ ," I interrupted, grinding my teeth together. "That man is nothing but a monster to me."

She apologized, and then continued. "I'm so sorry, but the trial is over, and..." She couldn't finish her sentence and had to close her eyes, quickly wiping a tear from her cheek with her hand and then taking my hands in hers.

"Mom, he's in prison, right?" I could feel beads of sweat begin to drip down my face, and my hands that were in hers were shaking uncontrollably. "Please tell me that they found him guilty." I had a lump in my throat that I couldn't swallow down and my mom began to shake her head, closing her eyes again. "I said he's been found guilty,  _right_ mom?"

"No, Frank."

I stood, cupping my hand over my mouth from pure shock and the nausea that washed over me. My stomach was twisting and turning and the room seemed to be spinning around me. "You mean, he's been let  _free_?" I all but shrieked.

"Frank, please, sit down and we can talk about it. Just try to calm down," she pleaded with me, her hands now latched onto her hair while she tried to keep it together.

"Fuck!" I bawled, and this time my mom was the one who flinched. We were both shouting today. "He's out there now - a _free man_  - wandering around, and I'm _here_ \- in the  _same_  fucking house that he took away my dignity, my trust and my self-worth! How can you tell me to _calm down?!_ We need to leave - _I_  need to leave. I can't stay here anymore."

"Please, honey. We need to think logically, Frank. Hear me out."She tried to calm me by placing a hand on mine but I pulled it away abruptly, turning on my heel and running towards the staircase to my bedroom. I slammed the door behind me, pulling the same chair up against the door and grabbing a bag from the back of my wardrobe. I began to take my clothes out and shove them into it, not even taking the time to fold them. My mom was pounding on my door but I ignored her ramblings until I heard something that made me fall to the floor on my knees.

"Do you really think going out there by  _yourself_  is the right choice? Frank, you need to stay here with _me._ I'll protect you, I promise. You can't be alone right now. Neither of us can."

I couldn't reply, even though I knew what that she was right.I didn't want to leave - I _couldn't,_  and not on my own _._ Why the _fuck_  did they let him go? He should be locked up for life. Fuck, they can experiment on him for all I care.

"Frank," my mom pleaded one last time. "Please open the door. You promised you wouldn't scare me like this again."

I exhaled heavily, a sob escaping my mouth. "Just leave me alone for a little while. I need some time to think." I waited a few seconds and I didn't hear a reply, so I assumed that she'd agreed and gone downstairs. 

I stepped in front of my mirror and began tugging at my clothes. I had to see if the marks that he left were still there. I pulled my shirt off first, examining my reflection reluctantly. I saw a few faint bruises and scars from scratches on my stomach, but nothing too major until I turned around. Looking over my shoulder, I noticed that there were bruises upon bruises littering my back, and I fought my way through the whirlpool of anger racing through my head and quickly pulled on my shirt again. I began to focus on the pair of scissors I had previously used for my art homework a few weeks ago instead. 

I needed to get rid of the marks thathe left on my body that only triggered the memories, and right then, I could only think of one possible solution. I could replace them.


	11. Chapter Eleven.

      _I never told you what I saw in the dark, I set fire to the person I was. I'm unappreciative of the air that I breathe, I'm unaware of the blood in my veins._

I stood silently, swaying with nausea while I eyed the scissors that were resting on my desk. Thousands of thoughts raced through my mind - too many to comprehend - but only one of them stood out the most to me;  _I could replace them._ That thought was the one that seemed the least appealing, but I found that it was the loudest, and the most reoccurring of them all.

Although I had been in plenty of bad mid-sets, this time the feeling was alien to me. It felt like a lucid dream, but instead I couldn't control the actions that my limbs wanted to do. I felt as though I was trapped inside my own head, swirling uncontrollably through a whirlpool of disturbing thoughts and feelings, and it hurt, but not as much as what I was about to do. I picked up the scissors slowly, and examined them. Only a few minutes had passed before I could consciously register what I was doing.

The grip that I held on them was deadly and with my free hand I began to shakily pull my shirt off over my head. The silence that surrounded me was eerie, and it gave me all the more reason to be startled when there were three quiet knocks on my bedroom door that sounded almost although someone was pounding on it. I stood, staring, mouth agape at the door. My mouth couldn't form words and my body couldn't move to open it. I remained silent until I heard the familiar voice of Gerard coming from the other side.

"What are you doing here?" I choked out when he called my name, the break in my voice giving away the current state that I was in, and my words sounded harsher than intended.

"Your mom called me, _please_ don't be mad," he admitted, and I ground my teeth together, disregarding his plea and trying to decide which emotion I would reply with. There was definitely a lot of anger there, but only a small part of me wanted to be thankful. I had people who cared enough to look out for me. Yet, I stuck with the anger.

"I don't want you here," I told him; I frowned at the floor when there wasn't a reply and wondered whether he'd actually given up this time, but then I heard him inhale a deep breath. He murmured something I couldn't comprehend.

I held my breath when the door handle began to move, and I realized that Gerard was trying to get into my bedroom. "Please move the chair," he asked me quietly, his words thick with concern and making it clear that he wasn't going to leave.

"No," I denied. I still had the scissors in my shaking grip and my heart began to beat faster as minutes passed. I suppressed sensations trying to take over my body and gripped them tighter.

"Frank," he croaked, and he sounded worn down, "please just let me in."

My eyes began to fill and I blinked away the tears, cursing under my breath when my body started to shake with fatigue. My head was pounding, my hands were sweating and shaking and my stomach lurched. I dropped the scissors onto the floor and forced my legs to rush me over to the bin by my bed, and I began to dry heave over it.

"Oh shit, Frank?" Gerard knocked a little louder now, sounding frantic. "Frank, are you okay?"

"No, Gerard, I'm not fucking _okay,_ " I exploded, my voice shaking violently as the tears rolled down my face. "Nothing is _okay,_ and it never will be!" It felt as though no matter how loud or how angrily I screamed at the back of my bedroom door, this distraught feeling just wouldn't leave. I dropped the bin and fell to the floor at the same time, and I curled up, pulling my knees into my chest as I lay, sobbing and shaking on the cold, wooden floorboards.

Gerard was silent. No more noise came from outside of my bedroom door anymore.  _Maybe he's gone,_ was a guess that I contemplated, unfolding my legs from my chest to sit up slowly. I looked around my bedroom, and then I jumped. A noise of shock escaped my lips when I glanced at the window and saw Gerard standing on the ledge, peering at me from outside and motioning for me to open the latch on the window.

" Shit," I gasped when Gerard wobbled as though he was about to fall, and I stood instantly to rush over and open it. I didn't say a word as I pulled him inside by the hand and I watched him silently as he brushed himself off and looked up to face me.

"You're sweating," he started, placing a hand on my forehead. "You're really burning up. Frank, do you feel hot?"

I shrugged nonchalantly, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand and Gerard frowned at me. "No, Frank. Don't do this again, please. You need to talk to me." His hand that remained on my forehead slowly slid upwards to my hair and he pushed it out of my face, causing a, involuntary shiver to run down my spine.

"Now you're shivering, are you cold?" He probed still, and he turned to grab a blanket from my bed and wrapped it around my shoulders. Softly and slowly Gerard pulled me into his chest, watching me with concerned eyes to make sure that it was okay. I let him hug me and pressed my face into his chest as he walked us back towards my bed, and I exhaled when he began to cradle me, allowing my fingers to weakly grip the collar of his jacket. I felt the cool denim on my skin as he wrapped his arms a little tighter around me, and he began to hum soothing words in my ear. It was hard to think about the news that I'd heard only an hour ago. It was hard to think at all.

Fatigue took over and I could feel my eyelids pulling themselves down. Sitting like this made me feel incredibly safe and secure and I didn't try to fight the yawn that forced its way out of my mouth. My eyes began to dry up and eventually I couldn't form any more tears, and I let my eyes close completely, dragging me away into a dreamless sleep.

-

When I awoke only a couple of hours later I was confused as to how I was in my bed. My mind was fuzzy and blurred when I rolled over to face my alarm clock and saw that it was 11:30 PM. I groaned in exhaustion and slowly allowed myself to sit up, clutching my aching head and pulling the blankets away from me. Unsteadily, I made my way down the stairs, too tired and distracted to even notice that my bin was now empty, and the chair that once held my door shut had been moved back to my desk.

"Mom?" I croaked, yawning and stumbling through the hallway and into the kitchen where I was met by two people; Gerard and my mom. My mom was sat at the dining table sipping a cup of coffee, and Gerard was leaning against the counter, just finishing cleaning some dishes.

"I swear, you're some sort of a miracle worker, Gerard." She turned to smile gratefully at him. Gerard's face flushed red and he returned the smile as my mom stood up to pull me into her arms, kissing my cheek.

I wiped my face with the back of my hand and watched as Gerard glanced around for a kitchen towel to dry his soapy hands with. I grabbed the closest one to me from the clean laundry pile on the dining table and handed it to him. He took it from me, and our hands skimmed each others which caused my stomach to flutter.

"Mom, why is Gerard washing up our dishes?" I inquired, and my mom laughed.

"He offered to do it. Don't worry, hon, I'm not slaving him," she winked, ruffling my hair.

"You're still here?" I asked Gerard, and the winced at how rude the question sounded out loud. "I mean, it's getting late," I added, "not that I don't want you here."

"Yeah," Gerard said, and then chuckled. "It is getting pretty late. I should get going." When my mom pressed a finger to her lips and shushed him, Gerard watched her curiously as she stood from the dining chair and flattened out her skirt.

"No, it's far too late for you to be going home now. You know you're always welcome to stay the night here - I'm sure Frank wouldn't mind sharing his bedroom for one night." My mom smiled warmly at him and then shot a look at me out of the corner of her eye. I scowled and rolled my eyes.

"Ah, Mrs Iero, I wouldn't want to be a pest," Gerard began to protest, but I exhaled loudly and grabbed his hand in mine, and pulled him towards the staircase.

"Shut up, you're staying. I made your mind up for you," I scolded, grinning at him. "Good night, mom," I called to her over my shoulder, and Gerard said goodnight too as I led him up the staircase.

"I'd offer you some pajamas, but I'm not sure that I have any that would fit you," I admitted, watching him as he grinned at me, the corners of his lips twitching upwards.

"I guess it's my fault for having extra long limbs," he noted. "It's cool, I'll sleep in my clothes," Gerard assured, but I shook my head in disagreement and frowned.

"No, let me see if I have anything. It's so uncomfortable sleeping in jeans, I should know," I insisted, laughing as he nodded his head. I walked across my bedroom towards my wardrobe and opened the doors, and braced myself for the heap of clothes that was about to tumble out of it and on top of me.

I heard Gerard laughing as they began to fall out and struggled to push them all back inside. When it was apparent that I was getting no assistance from Gerard, I gave up with a sharp exhale and let them tumble onto the floor in front of me, sitting down next to the pile and digging my way through them to find the over-sized sweat pants my mom had accidentally bought two sizes too big for me. When I finally felt the fluffy material on my fingertips I pulled them out of the mass of black clothing and threw them at Gerard. They hit him in the face and I swear I heard him squeal.

"Thanks," Gerard scoffed, and I giggled at him. He picked up a pillow from my bed and threw at me but I caught it before it could hit me and threw it back at him.

"Get changed," I ordered as I turned around to face the other way and give him some privacy. "Where's Lindsey, anyway? Is she still at your house?" I called out as he undressed behind me.

"Yeah, Linds is with Mikey and my mom. She said didn't mind if I came here. In fact, she told me to come and see you."

I nodded, and Gerard tapped me on the shoulder when he was ready so I turned around again to face him. "Are you sure that you're okay with sleeping in your shirt?"

"Yes, it's fine," Gerard assured me, then frowned. "But, _where_ am I sleeping?"

"You can stay in here," I told him, not so much offering but more insisting. Before Gerard could even suggest it, I shook my head. "And no, I'll take the floor. You can sleep in my bed."

"If I'm not sleeping on the floor, you're not either Frank," he told me, and I grinned.

"It's my house," I stated, folding my arms across my chest to seem defiant.

"Your mom's house," he corrected me, and I squinted my eyes at him, scowling and letting my arms fall back down to my sides.

"Okay," I exhaled, "we'll make a fort on my floor. That way we're both equally as uncomfortable."

Gerard's eyes seemed to light up and he grinned down at me, nodding his head when I told him to grab the duvet and pillows from my bed and pull them onto the floor while I went across the hall to get some more blankets. When I returned, Gerard had set the duvet and pillows up by my bed and was already lying on top of them. I threw the blankets over him and turned my TV on, paying no attention to what film I put in the DVD player, and then laid down next to him.

To tell the truth, I wasn't paying any attention to the movie - I had too much on my mind, and Gerard was sitting right beside me, shoulder to shoulder. If that's not a legitimate distraction then I don't know what is. I heard him yawn every now and again, and I couldn't blame him. It was one thirty in the morning by this time, and I had school in six hours.

Eventually I started to drift off, my eyes opening and closing every few seconds and my head started to feel heavy. I felt the side of my face hit something soft and I assumed it was a pillow and made myself comfortable. I quickly realize that it was Gerard's shoulder when he shifted and outstretched his arm to wrap it around me. A few seconds of inward hyperventilating passed while he rubbed soothing patterns on my arm and eventually I fell asleep.


	12. Chapter Twelve.

      _I've tied my stomach in knots and I'm ready to know. I'll put it on the line if you'd just give it a go._

I groaned as I reluctantly let my eyes peel themselves open, hissing when light shining through the front room window made me squint. I reached out an arm beside me expecting to feel Gerard's presence, but I could only feel the blankets that surrounded me. I reached out to the other side and felt something else - it moved - and I peeled my eyelids open to see Gerard's feet by my head. When I glanced up, I saw that he was standing over me, a faint smile on his face.

"Good morning," he greeted me with a small smile, and I felt my heart rate begin to increase. I lay, staring absently at his pale, beautiful features that seemed to be illuminating from the reflection of the sun and I found myself sitting up.

"Morning," I choked out after realizing that I hadn't replied in a curious amount of time, and he raised an eyebrow at my strange behavior.

"You have school in an hour," Gerard stated. Damn, I wish I could have stayed at home. It was exam season, however, and I was already about a thousand lessons behind on my work. It was safe to say that I was making no progress and I was going to be living with my mom for the rest of my hopeless life.

"Oh joy, school," I muttered and rolled my eyes, and Gerard smirked at me playfully. "I guess I'd better go get ready."

"Sure, I'll make you a cup of tea?" He offered, turning but glancing over his shoulder at me.

"Coffee," I corrected him, and the corners of his lips twitched up into a smile as he walked towards the kitchen.

"Yes, boss," he laughed to himself.

When I was upstairs I began rushing around my bedroom, managing to somehow trip several times over the mountain of clothes I had left on my floor, and trying to find my best Iron Maiden shirt.

"Mom!" I yelled through the wall, banging with my fist - her bedroom was backed onto mine. "Do you know where my Iron Maiden shirt is?!" I heard her snoring stop and the bed creaking as she rolled over before her snoring started up again. "Ugh," I grunted, pulling on a relatively clean pair of denim jeans and my converse, my shirt non-existent.

"Knock knock," Gerard said rather cheerily, as he couldn't actually knock due to the two cups of coffee in his hands. He kicked the door open gently with his sneaker-clad foot and then froze in place, his eyes skimming over my bare chest for a split second before moving back up to my face and smiling, holding out the coffee cup for me to take.

"Mm, thanks," I mumbled, taking the cup from him and inhaling the intoxicating steam coming from it. I took a sip, hissing as it burned the back of my throat but continuing to sip it until I felt the heat radiate throughout my insides and I was warm again.

I set the cup down after breathing in the warmth one more time and then turned to look for my Iron Maiden shirt again when I heard a faint gasp coming from behind me. I turned on my heel, throwing a curious glance his way before catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I forgot about the _marks._

"Frank," Gerard started, moving swiftly towards me. His hand reached out and brushed a faded bruise on my chest before holding my shoulder gently and spinning me around slowly to examine my back. His breathing  became heavy and was coming out in stutters, and his hands started to shake as they brushed over my lightly scarred skin. His touch left burning sensations all over my body; it was a strange feeling that didn't feel wrong. I turned around to face him, meeting his eyes.

"Are those what _he_ did to you?" Gerard choked out, and I nodded reluctantly, my eyes flickering to the floor. "I'm so sorry," he told me, yet I smiled.

"Why are you sorry?" I questioned, tilting my head to the side. I shoved my hands in the front pockets of my jeans.

"I'm sorry that I couldn't be there for you." He put a finger under my chin and tilted my head up to meet his gaze. "But I'm here for you now, you know that right? I'm not going anywhere."

A smile stretched across my face, causing my cheeks to ache. "Yeah, I know."

"Remember that. I'm not going _anywhere_." He moved his hands and placed them on my shoulders, giving them a reassuring squeeze.

"Good," I smiled, and he pulled me into a quick hug before letting me hunt for my Iron Maiden shirt again. I finally found it shoved in between a pile of dirty clothes. It smelled clean, what's the harm in wearing it?

As I slipped my shirt on, Gerard stood from my bed where he was sat and collected our mugs, then slowly followed me down the stairs towards the kitchen where he insisted on washing them up.

"Only if you wear this apron," I laughed, and he pouted when he saw the pink, frilly, floral pinafore I was holding out that belonged to my mom.

"Fine," he muttered and reached out to take it from my hand but I pulled it away, holding out a finger and wiggling it in his face. He frowned. "What's the catch?"

"Ah, _only_ the apron," I told him, and his mouth dropped open slightly more, his eyes creasing in confusion and his cheeks turning a flushed shade of red. He was about to speak again after a few seconds of stuttering and mumbles, but then my mom walked in.

"Good morning, boys," she greeted us, the same cheery smile on her slightly aging face. My mom, despite being forty, was surprisingly youthful and childlike. "Sleep well?" She asked, glancing between the two of us.

"Yup," I replied, smiling and kissing her cheek. I glanced at Gerard who was staring absently at me, his mouth still agape and strange stutters mumbles coming out of it.

"What's the matter, Gerard? Cat got your tongue?" She laughed and waved a hand in front of his face, snapping him out of his daze.

"Uh, what? I mean, yeah. Yes, I slept great." He sneaked a look at me and I smirked quickly at him before my mom turned to face me again.

"Frank, you have school in fifteen minutes," she told me as if I didn't know, and I rolled my eyes.

"Yeah," I sighed. "Can I have a lift to the hell-hole?"

She was about to answer as Gerard cut in, pulling his keys out of his pocket and jingling them in front of me. "I'll take you. My car's out front."

"Great," I smiled. "I'll just go grab my bag."

Gerard nodded as I turned and I heard him start to talk to my mom about something I wasn't sure about. Grabbing my bag from the back of my door, I checked I had everything I needed in it for school.

I was about to make my way back to Gerard for him to take me to school before it hit me. Gerard and I had gotten so close since he came back from wherever he went and it was actually quite unnerving. I got the same feeling when ever he was around; tongue tied, stomach in knots, my knees weak. Was this normal for friends? Surely not. Was there something that I was missing?

"Frank, are you okay?" I heard Gerard call to me from the bottom of the staircase, causing me to jump from how deep in thought I was. "You're taking a while, we need to go if you want to be on time."

"Y-yeah," I replied, sounding a little unsure myself. "I'm coming now." I stumbled my way out of my room,and realization hit me out of nowhere and making none, but also perfect sense all at the same time. It was clear that Gerard could like me, but did I like him back?

He met me at the bottom of the stairs and greeted me with a smile. We both said our goodbyes to my mom and scrambled out of the door and into Gerard's car. I really liked his car.

"Are you sure you're feeling okay?" Gerard asked me as we approached the school gates. We were headed into the parking lot where I noticed Mikey waiting for me by the entrance sign.

I nodded, then pointed towards Mikey. "Mhm, did you tell Mikey to wait up for me?"

Gerard smiled sheepishly at me, then nodded. "He was up texting me all night. Him and Lindsey were really worried about you after you left."

"Oh." I turned to look at Mikey again. He was signalling for me to go over, so I held up a finger as if to say ' _one minute'_.

"Hey, uh, Mikey's getting pretty impatient. I'm gonna get going. Thanks for the lift," I smiled and wrapped my fingers around the door handle. "And thanks for staying the night with me. It really meant a lot," I added.

"No problem." He hesitated, then added, "Maybe we could do it again sometime? You know, without climbing through your bedroom window again. I've grown to love front doors."

I laughed, looking down at my lap and then back up at Gerard. "Sure," I smiled, nodding my head. "No more windows. My neighbors must be seriously concerned by now." I smiled awkwardly at him, fumbling with the handle still. He cleared his throat before speaking.

"Well, I guess you'd better go; Mikey looks like he's about to come over here and drag you out of the car."

I sighed heavily, reluctant to leave. "Okay. I'll see you tonight?"

"See you tonight," he agreed, and I climbed slowly out of the car, slamming the door and making way over to a very concerned yet impatient looking Mikey. Before he could say anything however, I spoke first.

"Dude, I seriously need your help," I started, my words seeming frantic even to me.

"Sure, what with?" I could see him growing more and more worried by the second.

"I, uh, _shit._ " I ran a hand messily through my hair, inhaling a deep breath and tugging at it. "I think I have feelings for your brother."

I suddenly felt extremely awkward, and my fear began to rise the longer Mikey remained silent. Then, his face broke out in a grin and he folded his arms across his chest in a knowing way, his foot beginning to tap on the concrete. "Oh, really? I _never_ would have guessed," he joked.

Scoffing, I flopped my arms by my side. "Oh, _sure,_ because it's so obvious?"

Mikey hesitated for a split second, then spoke, his grin stretching even further across his face. "Actually, it kind of is."

I grumbled and turned towards the school, following the herd of people towards the doors while Mikey followed behind me. I could hear his muffled laughter as I walked down the corridor towards homeroom.

Lessons flew by that day for some unknown reason. Maybe it was because the only thing I had on my mind all day was seeing Gerard again after school. I was so caught up in thinking about him that I began to wonder what he would be doing when I wasn't there.

I could imagine him drinking his third coffee of the day with Lindsey, sitting at the dining room table. Donna would walk in and ask how he and I were doing, and Lindsey would spring up a conversation with her when things got too uncomfortable for Gerard.

The shrill noise of the school bell snapped me out of my day dream and told me hell was letting me leave, so I quickly gathered up my things and made my way out of the classroom door, following the corridor down to Mikey's Algebra class to meet him. The first thing he did when he exited the classroom was grin at me, earning a not-so-playful punch in the arm from me.

"So, what's happening then? With you and Gerard?" He jumped up and down excitedly as we walked slowly along the concrete outside towards his house.

"Nothing," I sighed for the fifth time in ten minutes. I was somewhat exasperated. "I told you, _nothing_ is going to happen."

" _Sure_ ," he muttered, smiling down at his feet.

"And stop doing that creepy smile. Seriously, dude, it's weir-ding me out."

Mikey chuckled quietly as I tried to walk a little faster, subconsciously trying to leave him behind but knowing he'd just catch up with me. He did have longer legs, after all. Eventually, with my speeding up, we made it to his house faster and that meant that I could drown myself in conversation with Donna, ignoring the smirks Mikey was aiming my way.

However, the first thing Donna said to me when I arrived instantly gave Mikey a reason to make kissy faces behind my back.

"Oh, Frank, before I forget; Gerard told me to let you know he's in his bedroom. You can just go down," she smiled warmly, slapping Mikey on the back of his head when he began to seem immature.

"Thank you," I smiled, then turned to Mikey. "You coming?"

Donna flashed Mikey a quick glance before he replied. "Nah, you guys have some _alone_ time," he smirked, and Donna tutted.

"You can help me with dinner," she told him and he grumbled, about to protest before she threw an apron at his face. "Put this on and start chopping the onions."

I laughed, smiling at Donna before turning towards the hall and dropping my bag by the bottom of the stairs. Just as I looked up, Gerard was coming out of his basement, clutching a sketch book to his chest. It took him a while to notice me, but as he looked up a smile stretched across his pink lips that made my insides flutter.

"Oh," he jumped slightly, stepping towards me. "I thought it was you that I could hear."

I laughed, my mind seeming to scramble everything up and I couldn't form words.

"I'm just going to go make a coffee for me and Linds, do you want some?" He turned to put his sketch book on the small coffee table that held three sets of house and car keys beside him and I nodded, pointing towards his bedroom door.

"Is she in there?" I asked, curious as to what Lindsey and Gerard would have been talking about when I wasn't with them. Lindsey obviously had the idea that Gerard had feelings for me, so that could have sprung up in conversation.

"Mhm, why don't you go sit with her? I'll be right back." He began to turn towards the kitchen, but stopped suddenly, looking over his shoulder. "And, uh- never mind." He shook his head and hurried out the door, leaving his sketch book on the table beside me. I noticed the corner of a piece of paper that seemed to stick out of the side.

Curiously, I began to open the book when someone cleared their throat by the doorway of Gerard's bedroom, making me jump. I placed a hand on my chest, willing my heart to slow down to its regular pace and looked up to see Lindsey, a devious smirk on her lips.

"Jesus Christ, don't do that," I sighed and turned to face her fully, leaving the sketch book where it was.

"Do what?" She teased, then nodded her head towards the stairs behind her. "Come sit with me a minute. I want to talk to you before Gerard gets back."


	13. Chapter Thirteen.

      _I know it's hard for you to let go of the world that you knew. Please just close your eyes, we're better off this way._

I followed Lindsey curiously down the basement stairs. She turned her head to smile at me and I smiled back, still confused, but I sat down on Gerard's bed when she motioned for me to do so. She wandered over to Gerard's desk filled with sketchbooks, notepads and pieces of loose paper from what I could see.

I craned my neck in an attempt to find out what she was looking for as she began to carefully move them aside and search for something, but I soon gave up and decided to lean backwards into the bed, waiting patiently. When Lindsey turned around again, sketchbook in hand, her face lit up with excitement and smugness as she turned the pages and stopped when she'd found what it was that she was looking for all this time.

"Frank," she began in a soft and inviting voice. "Gosh, how do I put this? Let's see." She placed a finger on the side of her head and her mouth twitched up into a smile. "You're Mikey's age, right? When do you turn eighteen?"

I nodded my head slowly. "Yeah, I am. Two months, I think." I tilted my head to the side, giving her a quizzical look. "Why do you ask?"

"I'm going to take a wild guess and assume that you haven't seen this." Lindsey turned the sketchbook around so that I could see the page to reveal a drawing. I stared at the face that was lightly sketched onto the page and it stared right back at me with the same expression. My mouth dropped open in awe, and I realized that the person staring back at me, was  _me._

"Did Gerard draw this?!" I managed to choke out after a minute of gawking. Lindsey grinned and nodded her head as a sign of agreement. 

"He told me you knew he'd drawn it or something." She turned the pad around again to examine it better for herself. 

"Well, yeah. I was there, but - I mean - I wasn't expecting  _this_." I was about to stand and walk over to where Lindsey was stood to take a better look, but as I shifted I heard the basement door open and light flooded into the room. Lindsey quickly closed the sketchpad and placed it in the middle of the desk before joining me on the edge of the bed.

"Fuck, _ow,_ " Gerard hissed as he stumbled slightly as he got to the bottom of the stairs, spilling a little of the hot coffee onto his hand. 

I stood and rushed over to him, mumbling, "Here, let me help you," while I took the mug from his burning had, and he smiled in appreciation whilst cleaning the coffee off onto the thigh of his jeans. I began to sip my mug and creased my eyebrows together quizzically when I realized that Gerard had only brought down two mugs, not three. I turned this expression over to Lindsey who must have sensed my confusion and she shook her head.

"Don't worry, I'm packing up my things soon," she smiled, and instantly my stomach dropped.

"What? You're leaving?"

She sighed. "Yeah, I have family to visit too, before I go back to New York." She smiled warily at Gerard and asked, "You know, that job's still open if you want to take it." My head snapped around to look at him.

"What job?" I asked, my voice cracking on the last word and giving away my defensiveness.

Gerard waved his hand in a dismissive manner and smiled at me. "Ah, it's nothing." He flashed a glance at Lindsey. "I'm staying here."

Lindsey raised her hands in defeat. "Of course, I know. I was just reminding you in case things don't go how you're hoping."

"Lindsey, don't you need to be packing?" He asked her quickly, his cheeks rising in a pale pink blush as he placed his coffee down on the desk before reaching under his bed and pulling out a red suitcase.

"Sure." Lindsey sighed and shuffled towards him to take the suitcase. Before she took it from his hands, she leaned forward and whispered something inaudible into his ear, causing his eyes to flicker towards me and his to cheeks flush now a deeper shade of red. He coughed dismissively and looked down at his awkwardly shuffling feet.  I almost didn't realize when he nodded at Lindsey quickly and a smile spread across her face. "Well, I'll pack and get out of your hair."

Gerard and I both helped Lindsey to gather her things. It didn't take us long between the three of us, and by the time we'd finished, our coffees had cooled enough to be drinkable. Of course, that didn't stop Gerard before that. His was almost already completely gone.

"And the time is..." Lindsey trailed off whilst turning to check the small clock in the corner of the room. "Six-fifteen. Perfect timing." She smiled at Gerard, breathing a heavy sigh. "You ready to take me to the train station?"

He held a finger up while he brought the mug to his lips for the last time and finished off the final drops. "Yep." Then he turned to face me. "Are you staying here with Mikey?"

I debated this with myself for a few seconds and then nodded. "Yeah, I have to talk to him about...something." I turned and grabbed my cup, and Gerard threw me a questioning glance before starting up the stairs with Lindsey.

I made my way back up to ground level after a few minutes of waiting for the front door to sound and met Mikey and Donna in the kitchen. Mikey was covered in lettuce and his glasses were steamed up. I let out a strained giggle at his state as Donna took in the mess he'd made from chopping the onions. 

"Do you need a tissue?" I joked, earning a prod in the arm from Mikey. Donna wasn't a fan of violence, or even play-fighting.

"Shut up, it's the onions," he argued, lifting his glasses slightly and wiping his eyes with the back of is other hand.

"Yeah, yeah." I stuck my tongue out and grabbed him by the wrist. "I need to speak to you," I told him, turning to Donna. "Can I steal him?"

"Sure, sweetie. I'll clean up  _his_  mess."

I half-laughed as I dragged Mikey out the kitchen door and upstairs to his bedroom. As soon as the door was shut and I turned to face Mikey, my breathing heavy, he knew something was wrong.

"Dude, calm down and tell me what's going on." Mikey sighed, wiping some steam from his glasses.

"I don't know what to do! It's like, it's wrong, and I know it's wrong to feel like this, but I do. It won't stop and it gets worse when he's around, what do I do?" I inhaled a deep breath after my outburst, a weight seeming to lift from my shoulders at my sudden confession.

Mikey stayed silent, seeming to be thinking. "Gerard's not here, right?" He asked after a few seconds. "Like, he's gone to take Lindsey to the train station? They passed through the kitchen and said bye as they were leaving."

"Yeah, he's still gone," I sighed, running a hand through my already-greasy hair. "Why does it-"

"Jesus Christ, dude, just tell him. He feels the same way, I know it." He threw his hands up in defeat. "I don't understand why it's so complicated! I mean, you're both  _obviously_  hopelessly in love with each other!" He flung himself around the room as if to mimic a hopeless romantic, but he just looked like a monkey on crack.

"Seriously, it's not that simple. I'm seventeen, he's twenty-one, it's not-"

"It is  _so_  simple," he cut in, his sarcasm long gone.

"What's simple?" Gerard's voice sounded from the doorway. I didn't even hear the door open behind me, but Mikey's eyes flickered from me to him and his expression became unreadable.

"Nothing," I muttered quickly. I was weary as I turned around, but as I did so, I forced a smile onto my face. "Just some math homework. It's  _not_  simple at all," I aimed my words behind me at Mikey, who scoffed.

"The numbers mean nothing." He was playing along with my cover but he was still trying to get his point across. "You're over-thinking it."

I folded my arms, letting out a long breath. "Fine, okay, whatever. I'll... _give it a go_."

Gerard stared at us for a while, his eyes creased in confusion. "I'm- I, uh, okay?" He tilted his head before shaking it and turning and walking out the room.

"Gerard, wait," I called out after him and he poked his head around the doorframe, his eyebrows raising. "Would you take me home tonight? Please?"

He smiled, chuckling slightly. "Of course, Frankie."

I was sure my eyes widened slightly as he replied, and I could barely manage to stutter one back. "T-thanks," I smiled, waiting for him to walk away again. When his head disappeared from the doorframe, I spun around to face Mikey. 

"Shit, dude, you got it bad."

"I- what?" My head felt warm and my heart was beating a little  _too_ fast.

"You're blushing, like, a lot." He signalled to the small mirror in the corner of the room and I quickly rushed over to it, quietly cursing to myself when I saw that he was right.

"What the  _fuuck_ ," I groaned, face-palming. "Dudes aren't supposed to blush."

"Boys! Tea's out!" Donna called from downstairs, and Mikey clasped his hands together.

"Uh, I'd de-blush if I were you. Y'know, before we go down," he laughed.

"How the fuck do I do that? I'd de-apron if I were you." I pointed to the lacy, floral apron he forgot he was wearing and his head snapped down to take in the messy material covering his Pixies shirt.

"Shut up," he muttered as he pulled it over his head and threw it towards his bed. "You coming or what?"

 "Yeah," I sighed, mentally kicking myself. Why was all of this so complicated? Why couldn't I be eighteen already? Why did I have to be such a dipshit and fall in love with my best friend's brother-  _wait._  Did I just say  _love_?

No, not love. Maybe love. 

As we entered the dining room, Donna and Gerard were already seated. Donna was sat at one side of the table, and Mikey hurried along to sit next to her. That left me with only one option and that was to sit next to Gerard who was sat opposite them. I could have sat at either end of the table, but I didn't want to give the wrong impression by not sitting in a perfectly empty chair by Gerard.

"Hey," Gerard smiled at me when I sat beside him, and I smiled back before digging into my dinner. I was trying to not let anyone know I felt slightly awkward, but I gave that away when Gerard accidentally reached for the salt at the same time as me - cheesy, I know right? - and his hand brushed mine. It was like a spark flew out of his hand and shocked me, but I pulled away and placed my hand in my lap quickly, clearing my throat. 

Gerard gave me a curious look, and so did Donna. Mikey snorted and then yelped slightly as Gerard kicked him under the table. I let out a little sigh and picked a few vegetables from my dinner, eating them slowly whilst everyone else devoured theirs.

After dinner, we all sat around the table for a few minutes after in an uncomfortable silence, and I was beginning to grow tired. I reached my arm up to stretch, and accidentally hit Gerard in the face with my elbow.

"Oh, shit, I'm sorry," I gasped, pulling my arms back down. 

Gerard laughed, rubbing his eye. "It's okay," he assured me. "You ready go like, go home? You look kinda tired."

"Yeah, sure." I began to stand, then stopped. "Thanks for the dinner and everything," I smiled at Donna who returned it.

"No problem, honey. You're always welcome."

I nodded and tapped Mikey on the head as I walked behind him. "Bye dude."

"Later. Oh, wait. Remember to not  _over think_ the math homework. The numbers are nothing."

"Yeah, whatever." I sighed, tired and stressed. "I'll see you later."

We made our way out to the car and I climbed into the front seat next to Gerard. He seemed to keep his distance and it made me uncomfortable to know that Gerard was uncomfortable. The drive home was just as awkward as the dinner, and we both kept quiet.

I kept my eyes on the road outside. It was dark, but the streetlamps were radiating enough light to see the markings on the path. When I saw the familiar grass of my front garden, I began to open the car door when I heard Gerard's side open. Turning to see what he was doing, I saw he was climbing out of the car and walking around to my side. He opened the door fully for me and smiled when I looked up, confused. 

"I'm walking you to your door," he stated, as though I should have known. But I nodded and exited the car when he held it open for me. I walked slightly in front and as we approached my front door, I saw none of the lights were on, which meant mom was already in bed.

"Well, thanks for the ride." I gave a small smile to Gerard who nodded understandingly and smiled back.

"No problem. I'll see you later." He began to turn to walk back to his car, but I stopped him by grabbing his arm gently.

"Wait, Gerard," I called quietly, and he spun around to face me. "One more thing."

Before he could reply, and before I could back out, I quickly stood on my tip toes, craning my head upwards and meeting my lips with his. The kiss lasted only a few seconds, and when I pulled away, Gerard stayed frozen. I turned quickly back towards my front door and unlocked it. 

"Bye," I smiled, and Gerard seemed to snap out of whatever trance he was in, his face breaking out into a grin.

"Yeah; bye." 

I stepped inside and closed the door, clasping my hands together and leaning with my back against it before it hit me. 

I kissed Gerard Way.


	14. Chapter Fourteen.

_All I want is nothing, if I can't have just one more second of your undivided attention._

"Frank, wake up." 

I rolled over, mumbling an excuse as to why I should stay in bed, when the curtains of my room were dragged open allowing the light of the morning to flood my bedroom.

"Come on, Frank. It's Friday," my mom's voice reminded me. "One more day of school and you're off for the weekend."

The word  _weekend_ immediately sparked my attention and I shot upright in my bed, my eyes opening and then closing as the light hit me.

"But I don't feel well-" I tried to sound convincing but my mom's glare cut me off and I began to pull the covers from over me and climb out of bed. A triumphant smile spread across her face and she motioned to my desk where my Batman mug sat.

"I made you a coffee," she smiled. I reached out my arms lipmly, whining because I couldn't reach it. "And also, Gerard called," she added, glancing at me in an instant. She laughed quietly when she saw how my eyes lit up and I shifted in my bed. 

"What did he want?" I asked, trying to sound casual after a few minutes of staring at her.

"He wanted to know if you'd like a lift to school today-"

"Yes, tell him yes." I jumped out of bed and ran over to grab the coffee, drinking it quickly before shooing my mom out of my room and getting dressed. Slipping on the first clothes I found, I ran to the bathroom to brush my teeth and run my hands through my hair. Making my way back into my room to pull on my combat boots and to grab my school bag.

I could hear my mom talking on the phone before she came into my room again, telling me that Gerard was on his way. "He said you should wait outside for him," she smiled, kissing me on the head as I said bye and practically sprinted out of my room towards the front door.

As I stood at the end of the driveway, I continuously glanced behind me to make sure my mom wasn't watching out of the windows. To my relief, she wasn't. The curtains were still closed in all of the downstairs windows, and I figured she'd be in the kitchen making breakfast, rather than upstairs.

When Gerard pulled up after about five minutes, he leaned over the passenger side seat to open the door for me, smiling and signalling with his hand for me to come over. Mikey was in the backseat of the car, obviously having been told to by his older brother once again.

I smiled back, slightly running towards the car and slipping into the front seat next to Gerard, who immediately started the engine and began driving down the road and towards the lane to school. Mikey stayed quiet the whole time while me and Gerard drowned eachother in conversation from things such as comic books to sleeping, from coffee to art. It all seemed to have a link, even when Gerard classed art as painting and I classed art as the music I make with Pansy, my guitar.

I glanced behind me to see Mikey staring at me, an absent grin on his face. He spoke for the first time since we'd been driving. "You guys have really hit it off, haven't you?"

I coughed slightly, adjusting the zip on my jacket. "What?"

"Never mind," he sighed, the grin still present. Wow, great going Mikey. Way to make it awkward.

"Alright, guys. We're here." Gerard stopped the engine outside of the school and Mikey let out a laugh.

"Thanks, dipshit. It's not like I didn't know what my school looks like."

"Watch your mouth or I'll only be letting Frank ride in my car," Gerard smirked and leaned over the seat to Mikey. "Now get out."

"Meet me at the vending machines?" Mikey asked me, and I tilted my head in confusion.

"Aren't I going with you?" I wondered out loud, and Gerard sat upright slowly.

"Uh," Mikey fidgeted, trying to suppress a smirk. "Not exactly. Bye!" He called before I could say anything else and quickly exited the car, leaving me and Gerard sat in silence.

"What...do you want to talk to me about?" I breathed out when Gerard's hand touched my arm, causing me to realize I was tensed up.

"What was last night about? Like, what did it mean?" I felt Gerard's hand move to my hand and he began to play with my fingers. My breathing caught short and I barely managed to choke out a reply.

"What do you think it meant?" The words left my lips and I let the question hang for a few minutes before I added, "Do you  _want_ it to mean anything?"

Gerard chuckled quietly, the corners of his lips twitching up. "Uh, yeah. Actually, I do."

I tried to ignore the way my palms started to sweat as he linked his fingers with mine, and the way my heart sped up a little as he started to lean in towards me.

"Well then, I'll see you after school and we'll go somewhere," I smiled and closed the gap between us, my lips skimming his gently before I released my hand from his and opened the car door to step out. "Bye," I waved as I shut it and began heading towards the school cafeteria to meet Mikey by the vending machines.

School went by a lot slower than it usually did, which fucking sucked. I was looking forward to seeing Gerard again, and that made the day drag. I wondered if Gerard had plans for us, even though I was the one who suggested we do something. What about Mikey? Would he mind?

Apparently not.

"Dude! So did you and Gerard make it official?" Mikey yelled from across the hall as he approached me, his stick-like legs moving as fast as they could. 

"Shut the fuck up," I whispered, a little too harsh when he bounded up to me. "Do you want me to get my ass beat?" I looked around me to make sure that nobody near us had heard, and to make sure I wasn't getting any funny looks. To my relief, everybody seemed casual.

"Oh, yeah. Sorry," he became a lot quieter but still waited for an answer, watching me carefully.

"And, uh, yes. Yeah, I think we did." I blushed slightly, my eyes avoiding his widened ones as he tried not to jump up and down like a school girl full up on energy drink.

"I know you guys are going out tonight. Gerard texted me. Don't worry, I don't mind leaving you two love-birds alone," he smirked down at me and I went to punch him playfully in the arm, but I hesitated.

"Y'know, I just wanna say thanks. Thanks a lot, for everything. I never would have kissed him first if it wasn't for you." I sighed, then chuckled. "I'm gonna stop being all sappy now."

Mikey cringed slightly, laughing. "That felt weird, let's never do that again."

"Agreed."

We nodded, laughing and heading towards the school parking lot where Gerard would pick us up and drop Mikey off home. I had no idea where Gerard and I were going or what we were going to do, but I hoped it would involve talking. I liked talking to him. I felt like I was actually being listened to, and I knew he wanted to help in any way he could.

 Gerard was parked right at the end of the lot, and Mikey grumbled the whole way there. "...Fucking lazy ass-"

"What was that?" Gerard grinned at Mikey as he slipped into the back of the car.

"Oh, nothing." He slumped in his seat and pulled on his seatbelt as I laughed. When I sat in the passenger seat Gerard's hand immediately reached out to take mine, and he started the engine with his other hand. I didn't understand how he could drive with only one hand, but he managed.

"There you go Mikes." Gerard pulled up on the curb outside of their house and Mikey thanked him, slipping out of the car and running towards the front door.

"Now, where to?" Gerard turned to face me and smiled, tilting his head to one side in a way that made my stomach flutter.

"I thought you had a plan?" I challenged him, cocking my eyebrow.

"You're the one who suggested we do something, so I'm leaving it to you." He released my hand he was still holding to cup my face and peck my lips before starting the engine again. "Tell me where to go and I'll go there."

I hesitated, thinking of all the possible places we could go. There was the cinema, but no doubt it would be full of cocky youths. I thought about the beach, but the weather wasn't that nice, considering it was July. Then I had a brainwave.

"Okay," I beamed. "Go straight ahead and turn left on your second turn." I stopped myself from bouncing up and down in my seat, and the seatbelt helped a little, too.

"Yes, boss," he laughed, saluting in my direction.

I admit, it was _maybe_  my fault that we got lost after an hour and a half if driving, and it was maybe my fault that we ran out a full tank of gas...and maybe it was also my fault that we were in the middle of nowhere, too.

"Dammit," Gerard sighed, slapping the steering wheel. 

"Y'know, it's not the steering wheel's fault. You shouldn't take it out on it."

He chuckled slightly, turning towards me. "Well, it's not that bad, actually. I mean, we're in the middle of nowhere, sure. But I'm with you, it's dark out, and there's a little field right next to us."

"What are you implying, Way?" I blushed, pulling my sleeve-covered hands towards my face to hide it.

"I'm implying that we go sit out in the field so I can get reception on my cell phone-" he pulled out the small device and showed me the lack of bars. "And maybe we could make this night worth something."

I nodded, a serious expression on my face. "Yeah, sure. I mean, it is my fault. I forgot where to go."

"No, no, it wasn't. Where were we  _meant_ to be going, anyway?"

"I'm not telling." I mimicked zipping my lips and throwing away the key. "I'll take you there some other time. I want it to be a surprise."

Gerard groaned in impatience, but nodded. "Well, shall we?" He stepped out of the car and walked around, opening the door for me and holding his hand out the way a chauffeur would.

"You're my boyfriend, not a chauffeur," I complained, then we both froze. Was he my boyfriend? Had I just completely ruined what we had by a stupid slip of the tongue?

"Boyfriend?" Gerard managed to choke out. "I'm your-"

"If you want to be," I cut in, trying to make it less awkward and put less pressure on him, but his face broke out into a grin and he nodded furiously. 

"Yeah," he smiled. "Yeah, of course." He leaned down and caught my lips with his, the kiss lasting at least five seconds before he pulled away. "So, are you gonna ask me, or is this it?" He smirked.

"Oh, shit. Yeah." Great, Frank. Way to ruin the moment. "Uh, will you be my boyfriend?" I asked quietly, and he nodded. 

"Meh, I guess so," he joked, and I faked hurt, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Well, if that's the way it's going to be-" I started, but Gerard cut me off with another kiss, laughing as he spoke. I leaned against the car.

"Yes," he mumbled against my lips. "I'll be your Gerard."

"And I'll be your Frank," I mumbled as I wrapped my arms around his waist and kissed him back.


	15. Chapter Fifteen.

      _If I face my fears, would my skies be all but clear? Probably not. Then again, I've always held my doubts so close to my heart._

It had been three months since Gerard agreed to be my boyfriend when the car broke down after I got us lost somewhere outside of New Jersey. My mom wound up coming to bring us a couple liters of petrol to fill up Gerard's car again for us to get home safely. Unfortunately, she pulled up as me and Gerard were kissing in the field beside the road and her reaction was priceless. She was okay with it, of course, but it was embarrassing as fuck.

Three months on, Gerard kissed me softly, his hands cupping my face either side as I leaned backwards onto his bed. I gripped his jacket and pulled him slightly closer before breaking the kiss.

"My back hurts," I mumbled, and Gerard chuckled, a sly grin on his face. He rolled over onto his back, pulling me along with him so that I was on top of him instead.

"Better?" He smirked, and I nodded, kissing him again, our lips moving in unison and my hands holding his.

A shrill ringing noise echoed in the silence and we both jumped before Gerard managed to sit up. I rolled off him to lay beside him, propping myself on up on elbows as he began feeling his pockets, searching for the source of the noise; his phone.

"Hello?" He panted slightly down the phone, then sighed, running a hand through his now messy hair. "Hey, Linds." I let out an irritated groan before I realized how stupid I was being. She was his friend, and _my_ friend. "Yeah, how's it been for you? I haven't seen you in a good few months," he continued after smirking at me.

A few minutes of listening and he finally turned to face me. "Yeah, I'll tell Frank you said Happy Birthday for tomorrow, only, you're kind of interrupting something-"

Gerard smirked when he talked to her, and my eyes widened as I cut him off by yelling, "No you're not!" Down the phone and by his ear. 

"Yeah, he's here right now," he continued to Lindsey, then held the phone away from his ear, wincing. I heard her shouting something along the lines of, _'Oh my God you guys, you did it! Finally!'_

I crossed my arms over my chest, a blush rising to my cheeks. Letting out a slight laugh, Gerard put the phone back by his ear and began talking again.

I mindlessly began playing with Gerard's hair, running my fingers softly through it before sitting up properly and crossing my legs. I kissed his head, trying to get some kind of reaction out of him while he talked, but he didn't seem to do anything.

I hummed a little song as I kissed his cheek, then the side of his lips as he talked. He glanced at me, but did nothing else. Trailing my hands up his side, he began to squirm a little, his voice coming out slightly higher, and then I leaned over and licked his face.

Gerard jumped at the sudden wetness on his cheek and he lowered the phone from his ear to stare at me, mouth agape. "You licked my face?"

"Maybe," I hummed, averting my eyes from his gaze and began twiddling my thumbs.

I heard Lindsey laughing down the phone that was long forgotten in Gerard's hand as he couldn't seem to stop staring at me, a confused expression lacing his features.

"My face is wet," he stated the obvious, and I laughed as I nodded.

"Your point is?" I cocked an eyebrow and continued to twiddle my thumbs. Gerard held the phone back to his ear, trying to speak properly but instead his words coming out in breaths.

"I'll talk to you later, Linds. Bye." He put the phone on his bed and continued to stare at me, before reaching behind him and throwing a pillow at my face. I gasped in suddenly, the move surprising me. I grinned at Gerard as he put the pillow down back on the bed and layed on it, his hands placed behind his head.

I lowered myself down next to him and wraped an arm across his torso, his arm snaking it's way around my shoulders. "I'm tired," I mumbled, and Gerard sighed in agreeance. 

"Sleep. I'll wake you when mom calls us for tea," I heard Gerard say as I let my eyes drift closed and was met with the dream world. I realized I was dreaming as soon as I new I couldn't wake up, no matter how much I screamed.

It was like I was having an out of body experience in my own head, which was almost as scary as the actual situation, if you ask me. I could see myself sat, but where I was sat I wasn't sure. It wasn't familiar to me. I was clutching my hair between my hands, my legs pulled up to my chest. Hurt-filled sobs shook my body as I called out.

_"It's all my fault!_ _He's gone and it's my fault!"_

Jerking awake to the sound of a door being slammed, I sat upright too quickly, almost giving myself a head-rush. "Hello?" I called out in the silence. 

"It's me." I recognized the voice as Gerard's and I rub my eyes tiredly, then running a hand through my hair I swung my legs over the edge of the bed and stood up.

"What time is it?" I managed to find my way through the darkness of Gerard's room and stumbled into his chest, his arms immediately wrapping around me.

"Almost 11," he mumbled, running a hand through my hair and moving it from my face.

"I'm eighteen in an hour," I grumbled, pressing my nose into the crook of Gerard's neck as he pulled me slightly closer.

"Don't sound so grumpy about it," Gerard chuckled, pulling away slightly to look at me. I tried to focus my eyes on him, making out his face in the darkness. "You know what that means?"

"It means we don't have to hide anymore," I nodded, grinning. I could feel the excitement building up inside of me as I thought about tomorrow. Gerard and I had agreed on going out and acting like a _couple_ in public for the first time since we'd been together.

"Exactly," Gerard smiled back down at me, showing his teeth. "It means we can let the assholes judge, because technically, we're not doing anything wrong when we do this," he whispered and leaned down to place his lips gently on mine for a split second. As he went to pull away, I pulled him back, kissing him for just a few seconds longer before smirking.

"Did your mom leave me any food? I'm fucking starving," I mumbled against his lips and turned, beginning my way up the stairs. 

Gerard whined, turning to follow me. "No, I ate it all," he teased.

I sat on the counter in the kitchen while Gerard stood by the microwave, waiting for my vegetarian curry to heat up. It was silent - apart from the hum of the microwave- but it was a comfortable silence. The kind you could just sit and think about things in and you didn't need to talk. Of course, the silence was interrupted when the microwave timer beeped rather loudly, alerting Gerard my food was finished. 

He opened the microwave, grabbing a towel to take it out without burning his hand and placed it next to where I sat on the counter. He opened the drawer opposite him and handed me a knife and fork before I dug in to the extremely hot dinner, hissing when it burned my taste-buds but I didn't stop eating.

I finished up the last of the sauce that remained on my plate and jumped down from my place on the counter unsteadily to put my dishes in the sink. As I started to run the hot water tap, I felt Gerard's slim arms snake around my waist and he pulled me close to him, burying his face into the side of my neck. I tilted my head back slightly at a better angle for him to rest as I washed my pots and shook the water from my hands. 

"Are you excited for tomorrow?" Gerard whispered when I turned around to face him. I rested my arms on his shoulders and leaned up to kiss his nose.

"Yes," I nodded surely, a grin spreading across my face. "Very."

Gerard chuckled, rolling his eyes. "Don't sound too enthusiastic," he joked, then prodded me in the side making me jump slightly. "Are you tired again yet?"

"Hmm, kind of," I hummed, leaning up again to kiss his neck. "Why, are you tired?"

"Nope," he smirked, and I felt my face flush with embarrassment and worry at the same time.

"Oh," I mumbled. "Listen, Gerard. I don't know if I can-"

"Hey, hey, don't worry about it. Honestly, I'm not going to rush you into anything you don't want to do." He hushed me and ran a hand gently through my hair, looking at me with worry in his eyes. My stomach fluttered.

"No, it's not like that," I assured him. "It's not too soon or anything, I mean, it's been three months, and it's not like we're not old enough. I'm just- I guess I don't know what will happen," I sighed. "You know my first time wasn't exactly... _ideal_. I didn't have a choice and I-" I gulped, feeling the dread fill me when I thought about the events of that night. I hadn't thought about it in so long and I didn't want to think about it now. "I couldn't even stop him-" I choked out, my eyes threatening to spill.

"Frank," he soothed, pulling me closer and letting me bury my face into his chest. "Please don't think about that. You know I'm not  _him_ , and I would never, ever hurt you like that."

I sniffled, wiping my nose with my sleeve. "I know."

"Good," Gerard smiled. It wasn't much of a smile, but it was reassurance that everything was going to be okay. "Now, shall we go to bed? I'm actually kind of tired," he tried to hold back a yawn. I nodded, sniffling again.

"Yeah, I could do with some more sleep," I smiled.


	16. Chapter Sixteen.

      _You want a new life, I want to do what's right by you. But I can't seem to get my shit together, not ever._

"Gerard, will you hurry your ass up?" I laughed out the car window at him as he fumbled with the keys in the front door. He held his phone that he'd been on all morning to his ear, talking to Lindsey. He was acting strange; he didn't seem like himself. I didn't know what was bothering him, but I'd hoped to find out today.

"Alright, I'll think about it," he sighed down the phone as he slid into the drivers seat beside me. I glanced at him once, tilting my head slightly in confusion. As he hung up the phone and put it back into his pocket, I found the courage to ask what was going on.

"Is there something bothering you?" I spoke up quietly. "I mean, you haven't been yourself all morning."

"Yes. Yeah, I'm fine," he assured me, but I could tell he was lying by the way his eyebrows creased together and he rubbed the side of his head with his finger. "My head just hurts, that's all."

"Are you sure there's nothing you want to talk about?" I placed my hand gently on his and he looked up, meeting my eyes and smiling half-heartedly. 

"Honestly, don't worry about it. It's nothing that can't wait. Today is about you." He leaned down and caught my lips with his, then pulled away. "I've even got something to show you."

"Can't wait," I grinned and turned to put my seatbelt on as Gerard started the car and began driving down the road towards nowhere I recognized. We were driving for around an hour and fifty minutes before it finally clicked to where we were headed. What made it obvious were the signs with the words "You are now entering New York City" plastered all the way down the highway.

"What? Why are we here?" I yawned as he began to drive around a large parking lot to find a space. I saw a hint of a smirk playing on the corners of Gerard's lips as I glanced up at him, and he began to exit the car.

Leaning down to talk to me when he opened my passenger door, he found my hand and pulled me from the car. "It's a birthday surprise."

"I don't like surprises," I moaned, letting me feet scrape across the floor as we walked somwhere I wasn't sure of. It looked as though we were headed for the small restaurant across the road from the parking lot as we swerved in and out of crowds upon crowds of people.

When we crossed the road and entered the small, plain-looking restaurant, Gerard led me towards a table where a familiar woman sat. She had her arms folded loosely over her chest. Her red waist coat was the thing that stood out the most about her. Her boot-covered foot tapped in time to some unknown song and her ruby lips moved slightly as though she was miming along to it. Her black skinny jeans had a small chain that hung from the left belt loop to the pocket.

"Lindsey!" I called out, the surprise in my voice clear. I picked up my speed, pulling Gerard along by the hand behind me and stopping as we reached the table. "What's going on?" I grinned, glancing between the two of them.

"I thought it would be a good idea for the two of you to come up to New York," Lindsey grinned back, standing up and pulling me into a bone-crushing hug. "I wanted to say Happy Birthday to you in person, so, Happy Birthday!" She exclaimed, ruffling my hair and kissing my cheek.

"Thanks," I chuckled, wiping the red lipstick remains from the side of my face.

"And Gerard still needs to give me an answer," she trailed off, raising an eyebrow at Gerard. She didn't finish the sentence, leaving the question hanging almost as though she wasn't allowed to ask it.

"An answer for what?" I asked, confusion and slight panic on my features. Gerard sighed, walking around the table to take a seat and signalled for me to do the same. Lindsey joined us in the seat she was in when we arrived and she linked her hands together, propping her elbows on the table and resting her chin on her hands.

Taking a deep breath before he started talking and running a hand roughly through his messy black locks, he turned to look at me slightly. "Okay, let's just get this over with. Lindsey's found me a job working for the Cartoon Network. Her friend from Art College's Dad works there and said he was looking for somebody. She showed him some of my art work and he loved it. The pay is good, and lets face it; I can't live in my mom's house forever."

I stared absently at him, trying to take in everything he was saying and resorting to closing my eyes while my mind processed it. "Wh- Where will you live, then?" Were the only words I could seem to form at that moment in time. 

"I've actually been looking for a flat out here. I wouldn't move in straight away; I'd stay with Lindsey until I have enough money from the job to move in on my own. With the pay I'd be getting, I could be moved in within a month." 

Again, I stayed silent, just simply watching him with a vacant expression. "So, you'd be moving away? When would I see you?" Fuck, I sounded so whiny and selfish. Why couldn't I be happy for him? But also, why didn't he tell me sooner? He sounded like they'd been planning this for a while from the way he was going on. Then I turned to look at Lindsey.

She was smiling at me, knowing I was reacting better than any other person in my position would be. Yet, inside I felt like I was being torn from the inside out. When  _would_  I see him? 

"You'd see me whenever I wasn't working. Honestly, the minute you wanted to come over I'd drive for hours on end through the traffic to pick you up and bring you to my apartment. It would be like your part-time home with me."

I admit, I knew Gerard had been struggling for money lately, and in the back of my mind I knew it was the best for him, so why couldn't I seem to accept that this was what he had to do?

"When are you moving here? With Lindsey, I mean." I was being blunt with the questions now.

"After this weekend," he sighed, knowing what I was going to say. Glancing between the two, I began accusing.

"That's one more day in New Jersey, Gerard. Why didn't you tell me sooner? So, what. You're taking me home, packing your things and you'll be gone by Sunday morning? Is that it?" I could feel myself beginning to shake and I forced down the tears that started to form in my eyes, reluctant to sound any more whiney than I was already being.

"His plan was to spend the weekend with you," Lindsey spoke up, sitting up straight. "Today we'd spend the day here, in New York. We were going to show you the place to make sure you liked it."

"I won't be leaving until late Sunday evening," Gerard carried on. "I'll stay in a cheap motel with the money I have left if I get tired."

I stayed silent again, my brain still struggling to process all the information being hurled at me. Eventually, I sighed, swallowing the tears still threatening to escape and I wrapped my arms around Gerard's waist, burying my face into his chest. "You know how much I'll miss you, right? I'm gonna fucking miss you being around."

"I know," he breathed, kissing my hair, and then the top of my forehead. "You think I won't miss you? Because this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do."

"You two are gonna make me cry," Lindsey smirked, wiping underneath her eye. "If I ruin my makeup, it's your fault."

"You always look gorgeous, Lindsey," I laughed, and she muttered a, "oh, stop it you," at me, blushing. "Well, are we going to see this apartment or not?" I smiled, beginning to stand, when a waiter stopped by the table, glancing at me and Gerard, and then at Lindsey.

"Are you ready to order?" She smiled, and Gerard shrugged. 

"May as well eat while we're here," he said as he pulled out his wallet from his jacket pocket, but Lindsey reached over the table and placed her hand on his, stopping him from opening it.

"I'll pay," she insisted, smiling. "What do you guys want?"

We sat in that restaurant for a couple of hours, and by the time we'd finished our lunch it was 3 in the afternoon. After we ate, we stayed for a few more minutes to tip the waiter and gather our things before making our way to Gerard's car.

It was a fifteen minute drive from the restaurant and Gerard pulled up at the side of the road outside a large block building. I figured it was flats, and as we exited the car I felt my heart start to beat slightly faster. I was calmed though, when I felt Gerard's fingers interlock with mine and he kissed the side of my head. 

"Are you ready to see our apartment?" He smiled, and I inhaled a deep breath in an attempt to stop my shaking that had started again. Lindsey appeared at the other side of me and wrapped an arm around my shoulders, nudging me.

"I think so," I finally managed to say.

Ready was an understatement. The place was beautiful. As Gerard and Lindsey led me up three flights of stairs and we stopped outside a large black door; I could already see how well it was going to suit Gerard. Pulling out the keys we picked up from downstairs, he put them in the lock and twisted it until we heard the latch click, my stomach dropping simultaneously. Tightening my grip on Gerard's hand, he looked down at me immediately, a concerning expression on his face as he pulled on the handle and the door swung open slowly. I couldn't see anything yet; the lights weren't switched on.

Lindsey stepped forward then, entering the darkness and feeling along the side of the wall by the door for presumably the light switch and flicking it on. The room illuminated with light, temporarily blinding me from seeing anything for a few seconds. I flinched, rubbing my eyes groggily and blinking a few times before they finally adjusted to the layout before me.

A slightly larger than average front room stood before me, complete with sofa and TV, a few empty bookshelves and a small coffee table in the center. To the right was the kitchen. The counters were an off white colour and there was an island in the middle. I glanced to the left where there was two doors that were closed, preventing me from seeing past them.

"This is..." I trailed off, racking my brain for a reasonable response other than "amazing." Thankfully, Gerard knew what I meant.

"I know," he hummed in content, a grin stretching across his face. "Do you want to see the bedroom?"

I nodded, allowing him to lead me over to the door furthest away from us as Lindsey took a seat on the sofa, spreading her arms over the back of it and placing her feet on the table. As Gerard opened the first door the main thing I noticed was the large, king-sized bed in the center of the room. The sheets were already black, ironically. There was a regular sized wardrobe in the corner of the room with a mirror hanging on the door of it, and a set of drawers beside the bed.

"What's in there?" I wondered aloud, pointing towards the sliding door opposite us.

"That's the ensuite," he smirked and started walking towards it. I followed suit and he slid it open revealing a painfully white bathroom and washroom. "I'll fix the white when I'm moved in," he laughed when he saw how I squinted. "The other door out there is just a coat closet," he informed me, and I nodded, not knowing how to respond.

"How are you affording all of this?" I managed to get out, my mouth slightly agape as I glanced around again when we entered the front room/kitchen area.

"Like I said, the job has good pay, and believe it or not, this place isn't that expensive. I also had some money saved, meaning I could use it to place a deposit on it."

"Holy fuck," I breathed. "I'm so sorry about how I reacted. I mean, this is such a great place and it's a great opportunity for you. I'm holding you back and-"

"Stop," Gerard ordered, an edge to his voice. "You are  _not_ holding me back. Fuck, Frank. Don't say that, please." He wrapped his arms protectively around me when my eyes widened, kissing the top of my head. "Don't," he repeated, breathing slightly heavier.

"I'm sorry," I whispered. "I really think this is a good idea."

"Me too," he finally sighed as he pulled away, then glanced to Lindsey who was in the same position, watching us with a grin. 

"So, it's getting late you guys. I think we should get going." She stood from the sofa and straightened her waistcoat. "I'm sure you guys want to be getting back, anyway."

Gerard and I glanced at each other, nodding as he pulled the keys for the apartment out of his pocket.

"Just let me lock up and give the key back," he said as he swung them around his finger. "Then we'll get going."


	17. Chapter Seventeen.

      _I'm sick of having you depend on me, because I'll let you down like I always do._

Gerard and I got back at around eight o'clock, where we found out Donna had taken Mikey to the movies. She had written us a note explaining they wouldn't be back until around eleven as the film finished at ten, and they were going for a late meal afterwards. I decided I wasn't hungry - my appetite had disappeared around the time we sat in the restaurant earlier today.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Gerard asked me with a mouth full of macaroni cheese pasta. I giggled at him and when he realized, and his cheeks flared with embarrassment before he swallowed messily.

"Yeah," I nodded. "It's just a lot to think about, y'know? It's a lot to take in." Sighing, I pulled my feet onto the chair, hugging my legs to my chest and resting my chin on my knees.

"I know." The room fell silent, with only the random scraping of the fork on the bowl Gerard was eating from. "Do you want to go to bed after this?" He spoke up when he'd finished, motioning that he was going to wash the bowl.

Stretching my arms up and standing, I mumbled a "Sure," and started walking towards Gerard's basement room. With a heavy sigh, I laid down on top of the covers and closed my eyes.

After around ten minutes, I felt Gerard's comforting arms wrap around me from above and his soft lips press against my cheek. Leaning my head up to find his lips, I moved my hands to his sides. As time progressed, our breathing became heavier, Gerard lowering himself so that our bodies were pressed together. His hands caressed my sides as I cupped his face.

"I can't do this," I finally breathed out against his lips, my voice seeming quiet and almost scared. Gerard seemed to lift himself from me, but not all the way. 

"I wasn't expecting you to do anything," he assured me carefully, his eyes searching mine. "This is all I want right now. All I want is what you're comfortable with." I nodded my head, pressing my forehead to his and then kissing him one last time for comfort. Gerard climbed off me, laying by my side and allowing me to tuck myself under his arm. 

"I'm really sorry." I laced my hand with his and began to stroke the pad of my thumb over his skin. Pulling our hands towards my lips, I kissed the back of his hand. "You deserve more than me."

Gerard pulled his hand from mine and sat upright, turning to face me. I pulled myself up too and pulled my legs up to my chest to hug them. "Don't you ever say that again, Frank. Do  _not_ blame yourself for  _anything_ that monster did to you. You are no less of a person and whatever happened to you in the past does  _not_ make my love any less for you." 

"I love you too," I smiled and leaned over to peck Gerard's lips once, breathing out a laugh at his paled expression. "Scary, right? To hear those words?"

Gerard swallowed, nodding once as the corner of his lips twitched up slightly. "Extremely," he smiled, visibly relaxing. He seemed to regain the colour in his face and he turned to climb onto me, hovering over me. "Let's get some sleep, you have a long day ahead of you tomorrow." He pecked my lips.

"And why is that?" I grinned, running a hand through his hair as it fell over his face slightly.

"You're helping me pack," he laughed. My smile faltered a little, and I sighed, letting my arms fall either side of my head on the pillow. Gerard kissed me once more.

"Is that so?" I sighed. "Yeah, somehow I don't think I'm going to enjoy that part much."

"I know." He tried to force back an expression that didn't show his thoughts right then, and settled with a grimace. "I'm going to miss you a lot. Fuck, I didn't think this through, did I?" 

I didn't bother to reply because anything I said wouldn't have been true. The truth was that I didn't want Gerard to leave, and whether that was being selfish or not I didn't care. He was right, he _hadn't_ thought it through, but at the same time I could do nothing but let him go through with it. I didn't expect him to change his mind either way.

Gerard took my silence as an agreement to his sleeping suggestion and leaned down to kiss my forehead, letting his lips linger there for a few seconds and breathing me in. "Goodnight, Frankie," he whispered, laying down next to me once more and allowing me to bury myself into his side. 

The next morning, Gerard let me sleep in whilst he tip-toed around his room to pack, never disturbing me once. When I finally allowed my eyes to open, the room was almost completely empty, with only his wardrobe, a set of drawers, a suitcase that was full of clothes but not yet zipped up, and the bed I was lying in. His walls had been stripped of all the artwork and lyrics that had been stuck to it, revealing a very bland looking off-white colour. Considering how cluttered and unorganized Gerard's room used to be before now, I think I preferred it when it had all of his belongings in it. This was all too real.

I glanced at the doorway when it opened and saw Gerard emerge with an small mug of coffee and a plate of freshly made toast. He walked slowly down the small flight of stairs, eyeing the mug carefully to be sure none of the precious coffee was spilling out and he sat down on the bed beside me after placing both items in his hands on the only set of drawers left in the room. He leaned over the bed towards me, pushing the hair behind my ear and kissing my forehead.

"How'd you sleep?" Gerard smiled, shuffling forward further to catch my lips with his before I could reply. I hesitated when he pulled away, my head remained tilted forward as if still kissing him. I thought about whether I should tell him the truth or not, and contemplated the consequences of lying.

If I told Gerard I slept fine, he would probably take my word for it and we'd part on bad terms considering my irritating inability to not be bitter when I have something on my mind. Although if I told him how I was really feeling; that I was up most of the night, I didn't want him to leave and I couldn't give a shit if I was being extremely selfish, no doubt he'd stay.

If he stayed, I knew he'd be miserable. This really was what he wanted. It was a career that he'd been working his ass off for, it was his own place that would eventually become  _our_ place, and I couldn't take that away from him. I'd never forgive myself and I couldn't see him forgiving me if I ruined it for him.

I settled with a bit of humorous sarcasm. "Oh, I slept great." I waved my hand a little, a smirk forming on my lips. "I feel just peachy."

Gerard sighed, clearly not buying it, and closed his eyes tightly for a few seconds. When he opened them, he smiled and grabbed my hands, pulling me up from the bed as he began to rise on the other side of it. "Come on," he urged, attempting to drag me from under the covers. I managed to release one of my hands from his grip and cling to the duvet cover around me, refusing to leave it behind.

"Where are we going?" I whined, resisting the urge to yawn. "I just woke up." By this point I was now stood at the same side of the bed as Gerard was, watching as he smirked down on me.

"You're coming with me to New York," he stated, causing me to choke on my own saliva. Gerard's eyes were wide with excitement and he chuckled slightly at my reaction. I stood, gaping at him for a few seconds.

"I'm what?!" I managed to force the words out through all the confusion I was feeling. "Gerard, what about school? I haven't finished yet, and I have exams to sit, and what about Mikey? I mean, sure he's slightly more popular with people than I am, but I'm his closest friend! And what about my mom? How will she react when I tell her I'm dropping out of school to-" 

"Frank, calm down," Gerard chuckled, placing a hand over my mouth before I could say anymore. "I don't mean permanently, well, not yet. I mean for the weekend. Monday is a bank holiday, right? No school?"

I nodded, staring at him intently. "Well, yeah, but-"

"I'll give you change for the subway on Monday night to get back home, but stay this weekend with me; help me settle in to _our_ soon to be home."

No matter how much I told myself that leaving Gerard on that Monday night for God knows how long I'd have to wait before I could see him again would be painful, I couldn't say no. Two more days with Gerard was better than saying goodbye two days earlier, so of course when I nodded my head, I couldn't help the smile that spread across my face.

"Okay," I grinned. "Sounds like a plan, I guess."

"Great!" Gerard exclaimed, pulling me in for a brief kiss before turning and running back up the basement stairs, calling out to me from behind. "Eat that toast, and leave me some coffee, I'm fucking gagging for some caffeine!"

After doing as I was told and eating a couple of slices, I decided against getting dressed out of my pajamas that day. I'd help Gerard unpack, but I didn't plan on leaving the apartment, so I didn't see the point. As I was sipping the already cooling coffee, Gerard came bounding back down the stairs. I leaned down to put the coffee on the floor as Gerard approached me. 

"Are you not getting dressed?" Gerard smirked, pushing me gently backwards onto the bed. I sat on the edge of it, my legs swinging backwards and forwards, absent-minded. "You know, it's cold outside."

"I don't plan on going outside," I protested, letting my hands reach forward and trail down his t-shirt clad chest. He shivered from my touch and I grinned, leaning up to catch his lips when he pulled away. 

"You need at least one change of clothes," he protested. "You can't ride the subway home in your pajamas." Gerard chuckled softly when I pouted, but sighed.

"Fine, but I'm keeping the duvet," I muttered as I stood, stepping towards him, almost as though I was asking him to argue. I kept the duvet firmly wrapped around my body almost like a cocoon. Gerard didn't protest as he stepped backwards, and instead just smirked.

"Fine by me, but on one condition." I raised an eyebrow, challenging him as he changed his expression and this time began to step closer to me. I shuffled backwards until I stumbled back into the edge of the bed.

"And what would that be?" I spoke my words slowly, releasing my death grip on the duvet as I waited for his reply. I let go completely, leaving it to hang, gently draped around my shoulders. Gerard took another step forward, closing the space between us completely and wrapping an arm under the duvet and gently around my waist, letting it rest teasingly at the small of my back. He pressed our bodies together and leaned his head down so his lips were level with my ear.

He hummed in thought, then spoke hushed, his breath gently falling over my neck and causing me to shiver. "Lets cuddle."

A grin spread across my face and I raised both of my eyebrows, exhaling the breath I didn't realize I had been holding until now. I leaned up into Gerard who still had his lips pressed to my ear and he began to trail kisses down my neck, starting at my jaw. I pulled him further towards me, feeling like I had to be even closer to him than I already was and he pushed me backwards gently onto the bed. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, bringing the corners of the duvet with me and wrapping us both in it. 

We made ourselves comfortable, Gerard's head resting on my chest, his arm across my stomach and his leg draped half across mine. "How much time do we have?" I sighed, my fingers finding their way to his hair and playing with the strands that seemed to never stay down no matter how much effort he made with it.

"Probably around fifteen minutes," he sighed, trailing his hand up and down my side in a soothing manner. "It's not enough time, but it's something, at least."

My chest tightened at Gerard's words, feeling the lump that had seemed to constantly be present in my throat since the talk with Lindsey and Gerard in the cafe starting to get bigger. "We've got the whole weekend," I protested, my voice seeming to crack and alerting Gerard that I was becoming teary. 

"Hey, hey," he hushed me softly, reaching up to caress the side of my face with his thumb and trace my eyelids gently when I closed my eyes. "It'll be fine," he promised, "nothing is going to change; my feelings for you will never disappear no matter how long we're apart."

I opened my eyes as Gerard began to move, pushing himself up and turning over to straddle me. I brought my hands up, moving his hair when it fell over his eyes as he sat over me. "I love you, Frank Anthony Iero Jr," he declared, and I broke into a grin, laughing gently. "And no matter how cheesy it sounds, I'll never stop loving you."

"I love you too, you big gay." I rolled my eyes and he chuckled, leaning down to press a chaste kiss to my lips and then climbing off me, grinning at the protesting whine that emitted its way from my throat. "Five more minutes," I pleaded, grabbing his hand as he stood from the bed. 

"I love it when you beg for me," Gerard teased, winking at me in a joking manner. I glared at him, the pout making itself present again "Okay, five more minutes." He lay back down on the bed, this time allowing me to curl myself around his torso and he kissed the top of my head, his lips lingering there for a few seconds. "But then we  _really_ need to go."

"Yeah, sure," I sighed, not really listening anymore as I closed my eyes and nuzzled my nose into neck. "Then we'll go."


	18. Chapter Eighteen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SLIGHTLY NSFW WARNING.

      _If tonight's our night baby, just don't hurt me, don't hurt me. I'll give you my heart._

The drive to New York seemed to go a lot faster than our first trip there, mainly because I had managed to get around twenty minutes sleep nearing the end of our journey before I felt the breeze of the car door opening, the cold hitting me and wrapping itself around me like clingy fabric. I shivered, pulling my arms up to my face, not even entirely sure what I was trying to achieve with doing so. The cold air was soon being replaced by the warmth of arms wrapping around me, one under my legs and one around my back, cradling me close and lifting me out of the car.

I stirred, but before I had the chance to panic about who it was that had hold of me, Gerard's soothing voice reassured me that I was in safe hands. I heard the door of the car being slammed, and then we were walking. Instinctively, I reached my arms up to wrap them around his neck, burying my face into his shirt and sighing. I felt Gerard's lips press against the side of my head, and then to my ear. "Shh, it's okay. Go back to sleep."

The next thing I remembered was waking up somewhere I only vaguely knew, still feeling myself cradled to Gerard's chest. My hand, which was still wrapped around Gerard neck, slid down his chest. I listened to his soft snoring and I smiled. When I finally opened my eyes, I took a moment to look around the room and take in everything. This was Gerard's new home, and my soon-to-be home. Then I glanced up at Gerard. He was sat upright against the back of the sofa, his head tilted back slightly and his mouth cracked open as his breaths came out softly. 

I shifted myself carefully, being sure not to wake him as I moved to face him, straddling his legs. I studied his peaceful features for a few seconds, allowing the pad of my thumb to carefully trace his jawline before placing a sweet kiss on his cheek. Leaning forward so my lips were by his ear, I hummed a little before whispering, "Gee, wake up, we have things to do."

I moved back slightly, my eyes flickering to his lips as they cracked into a tiny smile; barely noticeable, but still there. He wasn't fully conscious, but he was wakening slowly. He sighed as he reached a hand up to rub his eyes roughly before opening them half-heartedly to look at me. His tiny smile seemed to get bigger until he was grinning tiredly at me. We remained silent for a while, staring at eachother, I returned the grin and sighed happily. Eventually, he spoke the word, "Hey."

"Hi," I replied, and Gerard reached up to tuck the hair hanging loosely in my face behind my ear. I leaned in slightly to the touch and his hand slipped behind my head, gently pulling my face towards his and he connected our lips. When he pulled away, I glanced around the room at the few boxes that were lying around, then furrowed my brows. "Where's the rest of the stuff?" I questioned, turning to face him again.

"S'not here," Gerard shrugged.

"Thanks, dork. I didn't realize." I rolled my eyes and Gerard chuckled, leaning forward again and kissing my nose.

"I don't think the moving truck is due here for another thirty minutes." Gerard glanced at the clock on the wall. "You hungry? I could make us something quick."

I hummed in consideration for a few seconds, allowing my hands to slide from around his neck and down his chest, before resting them in his lap. Gerard's eyes flickered to them and then back up to my eyes. I tilted my head, biting my lip and thinking as Gerard remained silent. "I think we should go out for food," I finally contributed, watching as a small smile graced his features.

"Now that you mention it, I'm kind of in the mood for Italian," he smirked, snaking his arms around my waist. Pulling me further onto his lap, I leaned forward to kiss the curve in his neck. I felt Gerard relax underneath me, his hand pressing into the small of my back. I moved my hands, about to begin sliding them up his shirt when the sound of three faint knocks sounded on the apartment door. 

I chuckled softly, removing myself completely from Gerard's lap and standing up. He sighed in a slightly exaggerated manner, allowing his arms to fall limp either side of him and leaning his head on the back of the sofa. "They're always either early or late, there's no fucking in between."

"Come on," I urged, heading towards the door. "The sooner we get your shit inside, the sooner we can go for lunch."

The moving guys did a lot of the work, all the while I was making coffees and offering up food to keep them going. It was pretty entertaining to see them; big, bulky, and masculine, lifting sofas with Gerard's petit, girlish figure. When Gerard caught me staring at his ass, I winked, biting my lip and he almost dropped the end of the cabinet he was helping to carry.

"Well, I think that's everything," one of the workers said, standing upright and clapping the dust from his hands. The other guy nodded his head, leaning backwards to crack his back and then reaching out to the cup on the just-assembled table to down the rest of his coffee. 

"Yeah, we better get going," he agreed, turning to face Gerard and I. "Happy-New-Home, see ya later."

"Wait, how much do I owe you guys?" Gerard cut in as they were leaving, stepping forwards and fumbling with his pockets to find his wallet. 

"Don't worry about it, one of your friends already covered it," the first guy smiled, turning around again and closing the front door on their way out.

Gerard reached a hand up to scratch his head, clearly confused. I laughed softly, stepping forward to wrap my arms around him from behind. "You think it was Lindsey?" I asked, linking my hands with his. Gerard nodded, then sighed.

"She's already done so much for me, I need to call her to thank her." He turned to face me, grinning a little bit and pecking me on the lips. "But first, I promised you Italian food."

The last time Gerard and I had been in New York, we had spent the whole day with Lindsey. Don't get me wrong, I love Lindsey with all my heart, but it was nice to just spend time with Gerard, and  _only_  Gerard for once. If Lindsey wasn't there, Mikey would turn up with a comic or some new band that he'd discovered. Then, of course, there was Donna and my own mom. They had became more acquainted when Gerard and I had officially announced our relationship. My mom and I would frequently stay for dinner at the Way's place.

Then again, it was strange feeling walking around town with Gerard, my hand in his, searching for somewhere to have lunch before we went grocery shopping to stock up Gerard's empty kitchen. Sure, it was an unfamiliar feeling, but I couldn't have felt more comfortable or at home. This was going to be my life. This time next year, I'd have left school, I'd be applying for colleges, I'd be moving into Gerard's apartment and I'd be  _living_ with him. It was that thought that made my insides feel tingly and my smile to grow wider when Gerard glanced down at me. It was then that I realized that I had nothing to be worried about. All of the anxiety and concerns that I'd had about Gerard moving away; wondering where that left our relationship and how it was going to work out was all for nothing.

Things were finally working out by themselves, and it was going to be okay. _I was going to be okay._ I knew that, and Gerard did too. The past was in the fucking past. This was  _now_ , and I had to make the most of it. This was what I had to look forward to, and I couldn't have asked for anything more.

I felt Gerard's hand tighten around mine, and I realized that I'd slowed down my walking to a shuffle. My feet were scraping across the cracked, concrete floor and my other free hand was held up to my face as I nibbled furiously at the nail of my thumb. Gerard slowed his pace down to meet mine and was watching me, his eyes filled with curiosity and worry, but he remained silent, waiting for me to speak what was on my mind.

I opened my mouth. I wasn't entirely sure what I wanted to say, but I felt as though I had to say something that would at least explain my thoughts. Yet, no matter how many times I tried to speak, I couldn't think of anything that would accurately portray the overwhelming happiness I was feeling at that moment. I wanted to scream, laugh, cry, yell, stomp about and throw my arms in the air all at the same time.

I halted my footsteps, pulling back on Gerard's arm. My grin never seemed to fade as I tugged him in the opposite direction and back towards the block of flats where he lived. Gerard still didn't speak, and neither did I. My palms were sweating and my head was spinning and I knew that no matter how scary the thought was, I knew what I was doing. The door of his apartment closed behind us but I didn't stop moving; my hand never left Gerard's as I lead him through the bedroom door and pushed him onto the bed, ignoring the awkwardly placed cardboard boxes littered around the room that we hadn't unpacked yet.

Gerard stared up at me in awe and slight confusion, his eyes wide and his lips parted a little as he tried to steady his breathing to speak. "Are you sure-" he started, his forehead creasing in concern, but hushed himself when I began to climb on top of him, hovering my lips just over his. I kissed him briefly, one hand tangling in his hair and the other trailing down his side. Then I pulled away, but still staying close, I nodded. His eyes searched mine desperately, trying to comprehend what was happening in that moment, before he reached a hand forward to pull me back down and connect my lips with his again in a more passionate way.

Within a few minutes, our clothes were gone, thrown aimlessly somewhere in the room. Everything in that moment was perfect. I could taste Gerard's skin as I kissed down his sweat-glazed chest. I could feel him squirming underneath me as my hand touched his inner thigh and I could hear his pants and moans. I felt Gerard's hands gripping my waist before he flipped us over, straddling me and repeating the same process. His lips kissed the skin of my neck, my chest, his teeth grazed at the flesh of my thighs and I groaned in anticipation and pleasure. I knew what was coming next, and to my immense surprise, the thought didn't scare me. My heart was pounding so loud in my chest that I thought Gerard could hear it. The adrenaline that was pumping rapidly through my veins didn't once seem to slow down. I was ready.  
  
Gerard looked up from his position in between my legs, hesitating as he thought about what would be good to say in this situation. Eventually, I reached my arm out to brush the hair gently from his face and trace the pad of my thumb over his lips. "I trust you," I clarified. "I'm ready."  
  
He nodded once, sitting up slowly to catch my lips with his quickly before he disappeared from the bed and began to rummage through a few of the boxes on the floor. When he returned, he pressed his lips to mine again, the kiss slow and deep and somehow managing to distract me enough to not even fully realize when Gerard moved my legs further apart. The only thing I was aware of was the way his breathing was paced and confident, how his hair brushed against my face and his voice seeming low and passionate when he told me he loved me, how husky my voice came out when I returned the words and the incredible feeling that shook through my entire body when I finally felt Gerard inside of me.


	19. Chapter Nineteen.

      _Save room for me in memories, I'd love to always be a small part of what makes you smile from time to time._

The next day was incredibly hectic; I promised Gerard that I would help him to unpack as many boxes as we could until I had to leave for the train to go back to Jersey. We made sure to get up fairly early so we would have plenty of time to get as much done as we could, but in the end we found that there were  _way_  too many distractions. We managed to kill a couple of hours until around 11am by making and eating breakfast, and of course I was just having too much fun going through all of Gerard's embarrassing things from his childhood that he'd never thrown away.

I pulled the item my fingers were clasped around from the bottom of a box labelled 'DO NOT THROW OUT!' As I realized what I'd came across, I felt the corners of my lips twitch upwards into a smirk. I spun around to face Gerard from across the room, startling him in the silence when I yelled, "Oh shit! Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle action figures!" 

From where Gerard was failing miserably to fit together a little desk from IKEA that Lindsey had thoughtfully bought for him, I saw his head snap up sharply and his eyes seemed to almost bulge out of his skull when he finally realized that I'd found his secret stash of  _man-toys_.

I let out a small laugh, turning back around with a grin as I peered further into the box, but gasped when I felt Gerard's arms suddenly wrap around me from behind while he reached frantically for the action figure I was now attempting to hold above my head. It would have worked, too, if Gerard didn't have the advantage of height and I wasn't completely helpless and weak when I was laughing too damn hard.

"Give it back!" Gerard cried, attempting to take it from my grip, and then resorted to trying to tickle it from me. I managed to wriggle from his grasp, stumbling across the room and falling over a polystyrene block from one of the many boxes. I landed with a thud on the floor beside the sofa, the action figure cradled to my chest as I watched Gerard leap over the block I fell over previously and climb on top of me, his legs straddling my waist either side. "Frankie,  _please_ ," he laughed as I struggled, wriggling underneath the weight of his body.

"Never!" I yelled dramatically, my laughter causing my limbs to become weak, and eventually Gerard managed to snatch the toy from my grip with an "aha!" Holding it above his head in triumph, he remained straddling me. I sat up, wrapping my arms around his torso and flipping us over so that I was on top of him. "No fair," I grumbled. "I wanted to play with it."

Gerard smirked up at me, the toy tight in his grip. "But it's a collectible," he mumbled, and I snorted, grinning back at him and leaning down to connect our lips in a playful manner. Instantly, the action figure was forgotten and I felt Gerard's hands tangle in my hair and pull me closer.

After a few seconds, I pulled away, my breathing heavy as I pressed my forehead to his. "I love you, you fucking dork." He didn't reply, but he let out a heavy breath and his lips parted into a grin as he reached his hand up to cup the side of my face, allowing himself room to begin kissing my jaw line, trailing his lips gently to the soft spot behind my ear. 

"Do you really have to leave, Frankie?" Gerard breathed into my neck, and a shiver involuntarily shook through my body. "Mm, we could y'know, just stay here forever. We'd never leave the apartment." His hands found their way to my hips and I felt him start to trail his hands up and down my sides, occasionally slipping them gently up my shirt in the chastest way.

I let out a breath-y laugh, shaking my head at him. "Mm, where would we get the money?" I sighed, brushing the hair from his face gently with my hand when I heard him groan in protest at my question.

"Let me have my fantasies; nobody has to work in their fantasies," he mumbled, leaning up to bury his face into the crook of my neck. "Not that I don't love my job," he added. "I just don't want to leave you, I'm gonna miss you like fuck."

I closed my eyes, concentrating on Gerard's hands playing with strands of my hair and his skin on my skin instead of the overwhelming urge I felt building up to cry. "I know, baby. Trust me, if it wasn't for school, I'd never fucking leave here."

He hummed into my skin, his lips leaving sweet kisses across my neck and to my collarbone. "I'll visit you as much as I can," he promised, leaning up again to kiss my lips. It was a slow kiss, and I made sure that I cherished every moment of it. "And we can call each other every night."

I nodded, opening my eyes to see him staring at me, and that was when I felt something inside of me break. A choked gasp made its way from my throat and I had to cover my mouth when I felt my lips start to shake. A few tears escaped my eyes and I felt Gerard's hand brush some hair from my face before he pulled me onto his chest. One hand tangled in my hair and the other rubbed soothing circles on my back as he cooed in my ear. I buried my face into his shirt, gripping his shoulders with my hands as I began to sob, feeling the pain spread throughout my body.

"It's okay, sugar," Gerard whispered, encouraging the tears as to get them out of my system, and from the way his voice sounded strained, I knew that he wanted to cry, too. But he didn't cry. I guessed he was trying to be strong, or put on a brave face so he didn't upset me even more, but I didn't want Gerard to be alone.  _I_  didn't want to be alone.

Eventually, my crying ceased, and I sat up slightly. I glanced at Gerard, who was frowning, his eyes watching me intently. I guessed that my face was blotchy, and I had to resist the urge to scratch it when it stung with the saltiness. "I'm fine." I answered Gerard's unspoken question, nodding and trying to force a convincing smile, but he was having none of it.

"You're not  _fine_ , sweetheart. Don't lie to me." His eyes managed to catch mine and I found it almost impossible to look away, mesmerized by the way they seemed just so full of worry and sadness, and compassion. When I didn't speak, Gerard tilted his head, his tongue flicking out to lick his lower lip before he leaned up to kiss my forehead. His lips lingered there for a few seconds and he sighed, pulling away and sitting up. 

I stood, holding my hand out for Gerard to grab while he stood too, and he pulled me in for one last hug, his hands lingering at the small of my back. "Okay, I know I'm not fine," I admitted, my voice muffled by his hair. "I will be, it'll take time, but I can wait."

I heard Gerard sigh, and his hands trailed up my sides again as he rubbed my upper arms in a comforting way. "Come on, sweetheart," he smiled, the gesture small but making my heart flutter. "Let's go out."

I tried to protest as he linked his fingers with mine and began to lead me towards the door, but I shook my head. "We still have so much to unpack-"

This time, Gerard shook his head, cutting me off mid-sentence. "Nope,  _I_ have to unpack. But right now, all I want to do is spend the rest of your time here with you, doing normal things as if you don't have to leave in three hours." A small, sad smile graced his features, and I looked up at him through my lashes, finding myself nodding in agreement.

Turns out, Gerard's idea of doing ' _normal things'_ with me was going grocery shopping. Not that I was protesting, I kind of liked the feeling I got when it was just us two, wandering the aisles of some local supermarket, my fingers linked with Gerard's as he only barely managed to push the trolley around with one hand. He crashed it a few times, having to apologize to the parent of the abnormally small ten year old that he didn't see.

"You were scared, just admit it!" I laughed as I picked up a loaf of bread and placed it gently on top of the cans of diet soda in the trolley.

"Well, yeah! She was fucking  _terrifying_!" He exclaimed, and then craned his head around in panic to make sure that she wasn't standing close enough to hear him. "I almost pissed my big-boy pants."

I snorted, throwing a couple of packets of Doritos into the trolley as we passed them. "To be honest, I thought she was going to make you cry." I glanced over at Gerard, smirking when he abruptly stopped the trolley and turned to walk in the other direction; back down the snacks aisle.

"Oh  _shit_ , I am not passing by her again." I raised an eyebrow at him, silently questioning his manliness and grabbing his hand, pulling him to a halt as he tried to escape. He tilted his head and grinned at me. "I think this'll do for now, how about we just go to self-serving and then go get a coffee?"

I hummed in thought, but was distracted when he stepped forward, cupping my face and leaning down to kiss me softly, his teeth gently biting down on my bottom lip as we pulled away. I felt my cheeks flush and Gerard just smiled wider. "Shit, stop doing that," I groaned, shaking my head vigorously as if to shake away the clouds that had formed over my thoughts in those mere ten seconds.

I hesitantly sneaked a glance at him as his tongue flicked out to lick his bottom lip. "Do what?" He asked, seeming almost oblivious to what he had accomplished. 

I shook my head again. "It doesn't matter. Sure, let's go get coffee," I sighed, allowing myself to be led towards the self-serving machines by a very pleased Gerard.

We sat and talked for what seemed like hours. Our coffees had been finished in the first fifteen minutes of sitting down in this little family-business cafe, and the rest had just been spent conversing about the future; my future, Gerard's future, his job, the apartment. We had all of these ideas in our head about how we were going to re-decorate when I was able to move in with him permanently, and we were going to get a goldfish.

"We are not naming our goldfish Percy," Gerard chuckled, playing with the strands of my hair as I rested my head on his shoulder. I shifted so that my legs were over his, getting comfortable on the worn-down sofa of the cafe. My finger traced the rim of the mug that my coffee was previously in. 

"Why?" I demanded, leaning my head back further onto his shoulder to look at him. He glanced down, rolling his eyes. "I happen to think that Percy is a very sophisticated name for a goldfish. We want him to be respected by the others, don't we?"

Gerard scoffed, sitting up straighter. "Who said we're getting more than one?" He raised an eyebrow and I poked my tongue out, grinning.

"Well I was thinking, y'know; Percy might get  _lonely_...what with you working almost seven days a week now." I squirmed, batting Gerard's hand away when he poked his finger into my side.

"Percy is the train out of Thomas the Tank Engine," he laughed, leaning forward to place his empty mug on the table in front of us and then wrap an arm smugly around my shoulders, to which I happily leaned into. "Besides," he added, pressing his lips to my ear and humming, "I thought we could name him Earl."

"What?" I choked out, and he bit his lip, a convincing smile on his features. "How the Hell is  _Earl_  any better than Percy?"

Gerard remained silent, his eyes scanning my face for any signs of surrender until I sighed, throwing my arms incredulously. " _Fine_ ," I exclaimed, barely managing to fight the grin on my face at the way his eyes lit up in anticipation. "I'll buy you an office plant. You can name him Earl."

Gerard removed his arm from around my shoulder and then folded them over his chest, looking defiant as he arched an eyebrow. He stared at me, waiting for me to crack. I knew that one way or another; we'd be naming this goldfish Earl. 

A few seconds passed with us silently arguing until I finally averted my eyes, defeated. "Alright," I sighed, folding my arms. " _Earl_  it is." I watched in amusement when Gerard pretended to cheer, reaching his arms up to hi-five himself, but froze when I added, "on one condition." 

He hesitated, and this time it was my turn to scoff. Remaining silent, Gerard waited for me to speak again; I took it as a good sign. "I get to pick the fish," I challenged, and he sat in silence yet again, a moment of deliberation before nodding.

"Deal," he said, and I grinned. My arms unfolded and I placed a hand on Gerard's knee, subtly moving it further up and watching as Gerard raised an eyebrow, a smirk forming on his lips.

"Care to seal the deal?" I challenged when my lips were by his ear, and Gerard stood, throwing a handful of cash onto the table before taking me by the hand and leading me out of the almost-silent cafe.


	20. Chapter Twenty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Implication of suic*de.

_I think back to the heart-attack when our world seemed so brand new. I wasted time with a crooked spine when I really should have spent my time with you._

My hands tangled themselves in Gerard's hair in an almost immediate reaction when he pulled me into his chest, his left hand gently caressing my jaw and causing me to melt into the touch while his right hand slowly took the small suitcase from my grip and placed it beside us on the dusty floor. His eyes remained on mine as he leaned in, his lips brushing my own and causing shivers to rush down my spine. I kissed him back with more urgency, fighting back the tears and the lump that formed in my throat when I realized this would be the last time I could kiss him, touch him, and  _hold him_  for only God knows how long.

Reluctantly, we pulled apart at the deafening sound of the train entering the platform and the words  _"Now approaching platform two, train to New Jersey"_ echoed through the speakers and filled our ears. I swallowed sharply as Gerard bent down, picking up my suitcase that was placed there only moments before and I leaned forward to bury my face into his neck, inhaling his scent and taking a deep breath to prepare myself for the goodbye. 

"I love you so much," I whispered into his hair, afraid to speak any louder in case my voice shook and gave away just how much pain I was feeling right then. "Please don't forget me."

I felt Gerard's hands on my shoulders as he moved me backwards to look at me, his eyes widening. "How could I forget you? Don't be silly, sugar," he cooed, brushing some hair from my face and leaning forward to kiss me one last time. I placed my hands either side of his face, my thumb caressing his cheek gently before I took my suitcase from his hand. "I love you," he smiled, kissing my forehead and letting his lips linger there for a few more seconds. "Come visit soon?"

I nodded, taking another deep breath. "I will. I promise. You'll see me again soon."

"That's what I like to hear," he smiled, and then nodded his head in the direction of the train that was almost completely boarded. "You good to go?"

"Nope, but I guess I have to be," I sighed, and Gerard chuckled, leaning down to brush his lips quickly against my own. I made a weak protesting noise when he pulled away, creasing my eyebrows together in a frown. "I love you," I said again over my shoulder when I began to walk towards the train.

"I love you too." He blew me a kiss as I stepped over the gap and I turned to catch it, closing my fist in the air. Gerard smirked, chuckling at me when I stumbled backwards through the doors, and I blushed fiercely as I took my seat. I heard the doors close and then the train was moving, taking me away from New York air and most importantly; Gerard.

I didn't keep track of how long had passed, but I guessed around fifteen minutes into the journey I'd drank two bottles of water and my leg was twitching with how bad I needed to pee. Eventually, I realized that the effort to hold it was much greater than the effort it would take to stand and walk down the aisle to the small toilet, so I stood with my suitcase, reaching up to shove it into the overhead compartment until I got back to my seat.

Thankfully when I found the toilet, it was unoccupied and I was free to go in and do my business. It was kind of awkward considering how jittery the train seemed to be and the fact that it was such a small space, but I managed not to urinate on myself. Although I only took a few minutes, I was startled when I heard knocking on the door. My head snapped up and immediately I began to rush, calling to the impatient prick that was still knocking on the door that I wouldn't be long. In a huff, I zipped myself back up and quickly ran my hands under the tap, then messily wiped them onto my jeans.

After stumbling over my own feet a few times, my hand found the lock and I quickly opened the door, stepping out of the claustrophobic room and walking face first into somebody. Quickly, I realized that this person was the one knocking so impatiently, and I rolled my eyes at the chest in front of me. I was about to walk away, not even giving the asshole the benefit of eye contact. That was, however, until the man spoke, and I froze on the spot, the colour draining from my face and I felt every single hair on my body stand up, as though I'd been electrocuted.

The words rang through my head like a ringing that wouldn't go away. My hands began to shake by my sides and I brought them up to my face, clasping them over my ears and squeezing my eyes shut. 

_"What are you doing here all on your own, Frank?"_

"No." I shook my head, my eyes closing tighter and my entire body beginning to ache and tremble. "No, no,  _no!_ You're not here! You  _can't_  be!" My head hurt, blurs of pain and unbearable abuse flashing and making me feel nauseous to the point of heaving. A hand brushed over my shoulder and suddenly my eyes were open, alarmingly wide. I found myself staring directly in the face of my rapist, my abuser, my  _step-father._

My heart jumped into my throat and at the same time I felt as though my stomach was churning, threatening to spill its contents all over the fuzzy carpet of the train aisle. I had to grip onto somebody's seat that was beside me while I tried to ignore the overwhelming knowledge that almost every single head on that train was now scrutinizing my behaviour. I heard a few mutters of  _"is he okay?"_ coming from the booths but any other form of vocalization was drowned out by the words blaring through the speakers and filling my head.

_"Train now entering North Jersey Coast station, don't forget your luggage and please be wary of the gap between the platforms."_

The only thought rushing through my head that I could comprehend was that I  _had to_ _get off of the train_. Within seconds of the train stopping I was running, barely hesitating in front of the first exit I came across and my fist pounded on the button to open the doors. Without so much as a second glance back at my luggage that was still sitting in the overhead compartment, I sprinted onto the platform and away from the herd of new passengers awaiting to board the train. 

I found myself hunched over, millions of things going through my mind and not one of them seemed to make sense. I placed my hands on my legs as I heaved, steadying myself and trying to breathe. I felt as though the air had been knocked straight out of me and my limbs were aching, barely allowing me to stand steadily.

I squeezed my eyes shut, bringing my hands up to rub them with my palms. The sound of the train rattling was the only thing that filled my ears, and as it began slowly moving, I found myself going after it. I picked up my pace, watching as I ran along the platform with the train ever so gradually becoming faster and faster, but I was always ahead of it. The sound of my own frantic breathing and the alarming pounding of my heart seemed to swallow any rational thoughts that I was capable of conjuring and as I neared the end of the platform, I turned to look at the front of the train that was hurtling towards me.

I took one last wretched breath, closing my eyes and picturing the night that I had first kissed Gerard. His smile filled my mind, and a single tear streaked down my face. My last words to him echoed around me and I smiled a vile and bitter smile.  _"I will. I promise. You'll see me again soon."_

And then I jumped.


	21. The End.

      _Though I've traveled far, I've been back to the start, and I found some scars in places I have never shown to anyone. I don't know why it took so long to get back home._

The television glared throughout the dimly lit room, illuminating objects as the pictures on the muted screen danced back and forth. A burned out cigarette sat in an ash tray in the center of the small, wooden coffee table, smoke slowly drifting upwards towards the ceiling. In the distance, a dog howled, and it echoed for miles into the city. 

Gerard was awake, staring off into the distance of his living room, contemplating whether to light another cigarette. An opened can of soda that was half-full but long forgotten sat in his hand, which was resting on the arm of the sofa. His legs were crossed beneath him and he was sitting upright.

Moments passed, and then his phone that was resting next to the ashtray lit up and began to vibrate almost silently. Gerard sighed, placed his can of soda onto the arm of the chair, and looked down into his lap. He began to stroke Frank's hair behind his ear and hummed a made-up tune under his breath as he admired the sleeping boy on his legs. He began to stir, and Gerard smiled.

"Love, it's time to take your painkillers, wake up." He spoke softly.

Frank stirred again, but his eyes didn't open and his hair fell back onto his face. He grumbled, but showed no sign of waking up. Gerard tried again.

"Come on, Frank. You know if you miss them again you'll regret it." He brushed Frank's hair behind his ear again and leaned down to kiss his temple. As he sat upright, his eyes began to flutter and eventually they opened. "Take your pills and then we'll get you to bed," Gerard offered sweetly, brushing his hand through Frank's overgrown mop of hair and beginning to slowly help him to sit up. A grumble, and then a sigh came from Frank's mouth, and Gerard hesitated, waiting for a nod from him to go ahead and help him stand from the sofa. "You okay?" He asked in concern.

"Mm, yeah, I'm good," Frank assured him, nodding slowly so not to cause himself further injury. They proceeded to stand and Frank slowly hobbled into the kitchen with help from Gerard. He sat himself on one of the dining chairs and waited while Gerard fetched him a big glass of water and popped one pill from five different boxes out into his hand and placed them all on the table in front of Frank. 

"Eat up, babe," he winked, and leaned down to kiss him on the forehead before walking around him and back into the living room to check his phone.  He furrowed his eyebrows together when he saw that he had three missed calls from his mom, five missed calls from Lindsey, and two missed calls from Mikey. Confused, he checked the time and saw that it was 10:04 at night. Why would they call so late? Before Gerard could call anybody back there was a sharp knock at the front door of his apartment. His fists tightened and his jaw clenched.

"Who's that?" Frank called warily from the kitchen. 

"I'm not sure, love. I'll go check. Stay there," Gerard replied softly, edging his way towards the source of the knocking. He rested his free hand on the door handle while the other clutched the phone, ready to call the cops if needs be, and closed one eye to peer through the peep hole. Everything that had tensed in Gerard's body immediately relaxed when he saw that it was Lindsey on the other side of the door, bouncing continuously on her feet while she waited. He quickly unlocked the door and swung it open,staggering backwards when she ran past him and grabbed the TV remote to un-mute it and change the channel. "Hello to you, too?" Gerard snorted.

"Hey Gerard, hiya Frank," she called out, her eyes fixated on the television in front of her. Frank turned around slowly on the chair and looked through the doorway to get a better look at what she was doing, while Gerard walked behind the sofa and leaned forward, resting his hands on the back of the chair and watching her with curiosity. "We've been trying to call you for twenty minutes, you _have_  to see what's on the news." She turned the volume up to 25 and set down the remote onto the coffee table, then stepped back so that Frank could see the television from his seat in the kitchen doorway. They all sat in silence, listening to the weather forecast and waiting in confusion. 

A few seconds or so passed and then a banner shot across the bottom of the screen saying:  **BREAKING NEWS! Alleged sexual abuser case re-opened for investigation after teen victim attempts suicide.**

Gerard inhaled a sharp breath, Frank winced, and Lindsey remained silent. A woman dressed sharply in a grey suit and glasses appeared on the screen and began to talk.

_"A young boy, identified as Frank Anthony Iero, attempted suicide a month ago by jumping onto a railway track in front of a moving train. An investigation into the man that Frank was last seen talking to revealed him to be the boy's step-father, also known as the man accused of being Frank's sexual abuser for a year._

_Frank had been witnessed conversing with this man before exiting the train, running to the end of the platform, and leaping out in front of the moving train. Luckily, a witness to these events had been concerned for  Frank after watching him run from the end of the platform. The hero, known as Carl, ran out just in time to push Frank onto the other side of the track and out of danger. Unfortunately, Frank suffered a broken arm, a sprained neck, and a broken nose due to the impact of being pushed onto the other set of tracks. Carl got away with a sprained wrist and the title of a hero._

_Due to these recent events, the previous investigation into the accusations made by Frank has been reopened again and new evidence has surfaced, almost definitely proving the man guilty of sexual abuse towards his step-son, and other victims coming forward, too. More on this story tomorrow. Back to you, Bill."_

The camera panned around to a short, stocky man in a very tight-fitted suit who began to talk about sport, and then Gerard grabbed the remote and muted the television again. Lindsey grinned, and Gerard reached out and wrapped her in a brief hug, before running into the kitchen to kiss a teary-eyed Frank on the forehead. Lindsey followed behind him and leaned down to kiss Frank on the head too, and a smile broke out on Frank's face as a tear ran down his cheek. 

"It's happening, babe." Gerard grinned. "That monster is finally getting what he deserves."

Frank nodded, inhaling a sharp breath and reaching up with his good arm to wipe the tears from his face. 

"That twisted bastard is finally going to hell."


End file.
